Page 13 of Aim for Love

My stomach is rejecting the muffin I bought at the coffee shop this morning—blueberry and lemon curd, it wasamazing—and I might cry.

The bike between my legs feels totally unnatural. It has huge tires and a bunch of levers I don’t understand on the handlebars. This bike means business. I have nobusinessbeing on it.

“This is called sessioning,” Hunter is saying. He’s standing with his own bike in front of the group, gesturing out at the trail in front of us. “It means repeating something over and over until you master it. Trying again and again until you have a good feel for how to handle a feature or a problem. There is no shame in not being able to execute something the first time you try it. Sessioning is how you get better.”

I need to session getting on this bike a few times more. Maybe for the rest of this class.

“We’re going to ride a little way down this trail, which is completely flat, to a clearing and then we’re going to practice some techniques.”

My legs are shaking.They’re just trembling, Mollie, don’t be dramatic!I’m going to embarrass myself in front of everyone, including Hunter.

Checking in on the phone last night, my mom told me I have to take some risks to “reach for your dreams.” But what dream am I reaching for? I don’t remember wanting to climb on a borrowed bike and risk life and limb on a trail covered with rocks the size of my head. Do I even have any dreams? At the moment, my mind is blank. This helmet is so heavy. I want to lay down in the dirt and pretend I’m not here.

Beside me, Nora and Sophie are setting up a group selfie and gesturing for me to join in. They look cute and adventurous in their helmets, in contrast to my hard-topped mushroom. Beneath it, my head itches.

Scott, the guide that I swear Nora has a crush on, wanders over and offers to take our picture.

“Get the bikes in!” Nora insists, handing him the camera. “Make us look hardcore.”

“I don’t have to try for that,” Scott says with a flirty grin.

She laughs and swats his arm.

It’s possible I’m dissociating. I can’t feel my feet as Sophie and Nora wrap their arms around me and grin for the camera. Somehow, I ended up in the middle of the picture, like this ismyidea.

“Does anybody have any questions before we head out?” Hunter calls to the group.

I should have questions. My brain is filled with shrieking instead.Am I going to die out here?Don’t ask that.

OK, at the most you’ll break a leg. Let’s not jump to catastrophe, Mollie.The voice in my head sounds like mymother. Calm and rational. That voice is overruled by my terror over what I’m about to do.

My vision is like a tunnel as I watch my hands clasp my bike handles and throw a leg over the bike. Scott came over and bounced my bike up and down a few times earlier—a preview for what’s going to happen when I go over those giant rocks, I guess. Nothing fell off or apart, so he called it good. What about me? Doesn’t someone need to bounce me up and down a few times?

That’s what she said.Even in my hyper state, I can’t help giggling to myself silently. It has an edge of hysteria to it, even inside my head. My brain wants to veer off into any other topic besides the one at hand as I stare at what looks like a sharp drop-off to the side of this tiny little trail in front of me.

“Keep it loose,” Scott says to me. I blink at him. He’s sitting on his bike between me and Nora. I didn’t even notice him there.

“What?”

“Don’t lock your muscles. You want to move with the bike a little bit. We’ll talk about when you move the bike under you versus moving with the bike, but for now, focus on not tensing up. You OK?”

No. Definitely not.Omigod, can I say I’m sick and get out of this?I swallow. I need to face my fear. So I have terrible balance and no mind-body control, or whatever it was Hunter called it. Half the time, my body does whatever it wants without checking in with my brain. That’s the problem.

“I’m OK,” I say faintly.

“Feel free to walk your bike at any point if you’re uncomfortable trying something,” he says. He looks serious, not realizing this sounds like permission to never get on my bike again. “And if you’re not sure, ask me or Hunter to help you out.”

“OK,” I repeat, bobbing my head. Nora says something to Scott and he turns away from me. I’m like a child.What do I want, training wheels?I need to toughen up. I’m a city girl. Iwalk down streets every day more dangerous than this silly little trail.

And I hate every second of my morning commute in the city, too—dodging people on the walk from the parking complex to the office, waiting at street lights in a crowd of other miserable office workers, the women wearing shoes they clearly plan to change and the men looking at their watches every few seconds.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath. At least I don’t smell car exhaust and perfume. We’re out in another picture-perfect location, the trees blocking us from a view of the town that had taken my breath away on the way up. Telluride is gorgeous, nestled in a valley with a waterfall visible on one end.

When I open my eyes again, they land on Hunter. Standing at the front of the group demonstrating something on his bike, he’s wearing funny padded shorts that make his butt look big and a zippered shirt that shows some chest hair. He’s probably never worn dress shoes in his life. I’m jealous of that.

“Everybody ready?” he calls out. “OK, follow me! Scott will follow behind the group.” And then he pedals his bike over the small ridge and disappears down the trail.

“This is going to be so fun!” Sophie squeals, following him.

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