Page 101 of The Voice We Find

Her words are like oxygen to a dying soul, and it’s simultaneously the best and worst thing to hear. Because I know what she can’t possibly understand: that loving me is a mistake. Tonight should have clued her in on that, but Sophie is as resilient as she is forgiving. Which is ironically one of the qualities I love most about her.

For less than a second, I imagine what I’d do if I only had my own needs to consider. How I’d grip her waist and kiss her until she understood everything I felt without ever having to speak a single word of it. But I have more than my own needs to consider. That’s what I understand about love now versus what I understood when I was only interested in chasing after my own selfish desires: I was hurting the very people who refused to give up even when I gave them zero reason to hope.

When I relinquish control of the poker, Sophie’s beautiful bottom lip begins to tremble. It’s the pain that crosses her features that spurs me to find a voice, even if it’s not my own.

Because she deserves better from me. She’s always deserved better.

“You asked me to be honest with you.” I find her eyes and swallow the bitter taste on my tongue warning me not to do this. Warning me to lock these lying words up and to throw away the key before I ruin everything. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

Her nod is almost imperceptible, and I hate myself for the hurt I can already see blooming in her eyes.

“I told you in the very beginning that I’d never want to be the reason you missed out on an opportunity to use your talents.”

“August, you can’t be serious—”

“I think you should take the contract if it’s offered to you.”

For nearly a minute she studies me as if she doesn’t know me at all, and maybe never did. “Is that all you have to say to me? That you hope I move away?”

No, I think.That’s not even close to all I have to say.

But I know what will happen if she stays. I will disappoint her the same way I have disappointed everyone else in my life. And it will cost her something precious. Maybe not her life, maybe not her hearing, but perhaps the very thing that took my breath away the first time Sophie Wilder stepped into my life. Her light.

And that price tag is too much to bear.

“I think we both need to take some space and figure out what the future looks like ... on our own.”

After one last shattering look of disbelief, Sophie strips off my flannel, tosses it to the stool, and strides back toward my house. I nearly run after her then, but something in my subconscious holds me back. Because deep down I know that even if it kills me, letting Sophie go is the most loving thing I can do for her.

26

Sophie

Iknow it’s none of my business, but ... I can tell something’s changed with you.” Natalie eyes me as she hands me another scalding-hot wine glass from the industrial dishwasher in the staff kitchen. The clean-up portion of the first of many private December events hosted in our tasting room has given Natalie and I ample alone time tonight. The perfect breeding ground for a painful conversation I’d rather not rehash—though talking about the breakup with Natalie will be quite different than with Dana. For one, Natalie probably won’t try to console me by suggesting my broken heart is likely a sign from the universe to go back into theater ... even though I’ve told her more than once that I don’t believe in “the universe.”

“At first,” Natalie continues hesitantly, “I wondered if it had something to do with the final quote Jasper gave you for the van rebuild. But you’ve been down for going on two weeks now.”

Eleven days, I silently correct. I was rejected eleven days ago by the man I loved. By the man Istilllove.

“You don’t owe me any kind of answer, I just—”

“August and I broke up.” The phrase rubs me wrong. I had nothing to do with that breakup. It wasn’t some mutual agreement or amicable arrangement. It was a hundred percent him, and I’d been a hundred percent blindsided. “No, actually,” I correct myself as I set a dried glass into the storage container, “August broke up with me.”

The death of a relationship has no body to bury or funeral to plan, but the absence of what could have been is a grief all its own.

“But why?” She crosses her arms. “And I’m not asking for whatever lame reason he gave first. That’s never the real reason.”

I straighten. Of all the questions Dana asked, this was not one of them. And yet, I know how to respond because it’s been brewing inside me since that night.

“The real reason is...” A swell of emotion hits me dead-center in my chest, and I wait for the tears to pass before I speak. “I think he’s afraid to let himself love me.” I blink my blurring vision away. “I think he can’t until he deals with stuff that happened long before I came into the picture.”

Natalie exhales audibly. “I’m sorry, Sophie.”

“Me too.” I feel a tear slip down my cheek. I wipe it away.

“What does that mean for his sister? She’s who you were learning ASL for, right? Have you seen her since?”

“Yes,” I say, recalling how difficult that first meeting was for us both. We met at the theater under the pretense of rehearsing her monologue when in actuality we spent the majority of the night talking and trying not to cry. Eventually, we gave up the fight and gave in to the tears. “I’ve made a commitment to her. Regardless of where I end up, I know God put her in my life for a reason.” I don’t understand much at the moment, but I do know that. I love Gabby, and not only because she happens to be the little sister of my boyfriend—ex-boyfriend—but because she’s an incredible human being who has blessed my life beyond what I deserve.

---