Page 9 of Rogue

“You okay?” He asks watching me cautiously.

I nod exhaling. Sure, I could get a ticket for smoking marijuana in public. I don’t give a fuck. I’ll take the hit and tell the judge I’d do it all over again. Sometimes a good smoke is necessary.

“It’s Monday,” he reminds me what I already know. “Why’d you come here?”

Taking another hit, I don’t reply right away. “Come on Rogue, I know you. I know this shit runs deep.”

“Came for my usual,” I give him the truth.

He raises his eyebrows in question without speaking. I don’t discuss it, therefore, he doesn’t know what my usual routine for being here is.

“In the front display cooler, that wrapped bouquet of tiger lilies, bring that to me, would ya?”

He doesn’t question me any further and goes inside to retrieve my order. This is why I find the only peace in my life within this brotherhood. These men know me, the good, the bad, the ugly, and the damaged, yet they still accept me. It’s the only place I don’t feel judged by others. There is no stopping the judgement I do to myself.

Popping open my saddlebag, I slide the flowers in. “Gotta be somewhere,” I tell Creed. “I’ll be back in an hour or so.”

“You need me at your back?”

I smile knowing he means that shit. “Nah, brother, some things I gotta do alone. This is one of them.”

“If you’re goin’ where I think you’re goin’ not sure alone is the best thing.”

“Can’t kill someone already dead. I’m good.”

He studies me but doesn’t speak. He’s concerned. I get it.

“Gotta do this, don’t miss a Monday.” I explain.

He nods and backs away with his hands raised in surrender. “Shit changes and you wanna ride to clear your mind, one call I’m at your six, brother.”

Handing the last of my joint to him, I crank my bike again. No other words are necessary. I take off and make the drive another twenty minutes outside of town. This is a ride I can make in my damn sleep. In the beginning I came every day. Ididn’t know what else to do. Without her, I’m empty. Parking, I get off the bike, grab the flowers and make my way to the black granite tombstone.

Immediately, I hit my knees resting my head and hands on the top of her tombstone.

“Nixie, my girl. I wish I could trade places with you,” I whisper to the air around me. “If I could turn back time, I’d give up everything to hold you once again.”

Rolling back to rest on my heels I look at my daughter’s picture. “Forever three you will be,” I mutter as I remember

“Master Chief Benson, got a red cross message.” My commander explains standing over my hospital bed.

I jerk up crying out in pain as my arm begins the tremors yet again. Four days ago, on a mission with my SEAL team we were caught in an ambush. I saw the grenade incoming, yanked two of my teammates by their collars trying to get us out. The shrapnel wound to my arm has created nerve damage. Right now, long term we don’t know what my future holds. Every movement sends my arm into uncontrollable tremors, painful ones. With a metal fragment sticking out of my forearm, I managed to drag my unconscious frogman brother out of the line of fire. His head injury is undetermined at this time, but he is alive, which half of our unit isn’t. To say this is the worst week of my life is an understatement.

Now a red cross message.

That means something back home. There are only two people left back home to even need to send this kind of message.

“Ayla? Dominiks?” I ask as the panic fills me and my head throbs.

My team is either on a plane back home in a box, or laying in another bed in this German hospital waiting for release so we can either return to duty or home. In my case, Lieutenant Connor here has already given me the order that I’ll bereturning home once I’m cleared to travel. Once home, I will await my career’s fate in the hands of the medical board.

“I’m gonna give it to you straight, frogman and it’s not good.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and steel my nerves somehow knowing I’m not strong enough for whatever he’s about to tell me.

“There has been an accident. We’re working out getting you a medical assisted flight home, Benson.”

“L-t, give it to me. There’s been an accident. What happened to my wife and daughter? I don’t have any other family and any other reason for there to be a red cross message.”

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