Page 123 of Pretty Obsessed

I replayed the entire night in my head, trying to figure out what had set this into motion and I kept coming back to when I'd said: love. Had he taken it wrong? Like I was becoming too attached to him?

"I think we need to."

I nodded, pulling back and scooting as far back as the size of the bed would let me.

"Hey,” he said.

"I need space."

The hurt flashed in River’s eyes before he could mask it. Was this a side of him I'd never seen? The part of him so used to playing to the fans, he could tuck away parts of himself in an instant. I didn't blame him. I couldn't. He had to protect himself.

"Why?" he asked.

"I can't be objective in your arms." I pushed to a seat, pulling my knees up to my chest.

"I don't know what you think this is, but it's not that."

I nodded, trying to believe him, but it was hard at one in the morning after the best sex of my life. "Then what is it?"

"A conversation,” he said.

"About?" I tried not to come off defensively, but it bled into my tone.

"I don't like how we left things earlier." He took his time sitting up but didn't come closer.

"With?" I wanted him to spit it out.

"What this is? Because it feels like we’re dating. Everything we do feels like we are together. This isn't just sex, and then I keep playing over all the things you said last night, and how they conflict with everything else we've said and done."

"Yes, it's a friendship, River. We are and will always be friends." Did he see through me so easily? Was I so transparent? But how could I let him into my fear? I didn't want to hurt him with the reality of what we could never be.

"Why can't we be more than that? It feels like more than that." The sincerity in him stabbed straight between my ribs.

"Because I can't expect that from you. I can't, River. I know the lifestyle you lead. I know how long we might go without seeing each other. I can't expect it and you can't promise it.

"Emory…" The look in his eyes told me he was putting it all together. He finally understood why I'd held back.

I shook my head. "Please don't try. I couldn't deal with it. As long as there are no expectations…" I trailed off. It didn't make it better. But it made it so I wouldn't have to leave because he cheated. I couldn't bear to be cheated on again. "I'm so lucky to have you as a friend, and it's not worth it to me to risk losing that by putting unrealistic expectations on you." It was as honest as I could be.

His face fell. I hated not knowing what he was thinking, but it was the best decision for us. For me. Losing him would destroy me. I had to do it for both of us. I couldn't lose the phone calls and the person I shared my writing with. The person quickly becoming my best friend and the closest person to me in the world.

My chest clenched. I'd lost enough this year. I couldn't breathe imagining it. I'd only had Octavius at the end of it. Life had been so empty, and I was barely surviving for months. I couldn't write. I'd only just barely been getting myself back when I'd met River.

"River." I reached for him, not sure what I could do to soften any of this.

"I'm sorry. It was inconsiderate of me to put that pressure on you." He set his jaw.

"Don't do that." The ache in my chest spread. "What happens when we have to go months without seeing each other, can you honestly say?"

"I get it. There is no need to continue to drive your point home. I cherish our friendship." He turned to stone in front of my eyes.

His walls went up and he retreated into himself. There was nothing I could do about it, but I'd still try.

"You have me when we are both in the same place, River."

His gaze flickered to mine. "Right. When we are in the same city."

"I don't want what we have to end. Any of it. The phone calls. The closeness. So when we are in the same city, you have me. I'm entirely yours. I'm just not putting expectations on it." I hoped it would sate him some. I couldn't bear for it to continue to feel like he was slipping through my fingers.

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