Page 151 of Pretty Obsessed

"How?"

"The car is gone."

"He at least took his bodyguard." I couldn't bring myself to give Cas more. "I'm tired, and it's late. I told you, you're not going to win by trying to control him. You need to stop trying to control him and torturing him. I get it, you had a thing, but being spiteful because you two broke up or whatever isn't going to keep the band together. You're just pushing him further away." Probably too honest, but it needed to be said.

"I don't hate him. I’m in fucking love with him and have been since we met and sometimes it’s unrequited. But I didn’t ruin him. I tried to save him for years."

"What?" Did I have it so wrong? I couldn't believe I'd completely misread the situation.

"I've been in love with him since the night we met, River." The way his words left his lips left no doubt in my mind it was the truth. Suddenly he wasn't an adult or a mastermind behind trying to trap Iris. He was a kid. A love-sick kid trying to deal with all of this. Just like the rest of us. Lost.

"I didn't know." I ran through what Iris had told me. Did Iris know? Surely not. Jesus. This was an even bigger mess than I'd realized.

"No one did." He stared into space as if reliving another life. "Do you know what it's been like loving him and watching him do this to himself? Making sure he had protection, that no one took advantage of him. That we always had bodyguards with us so he didn't get robbed or kidnapped or killed? That he didn't OD? Do you think I liked watching him get high and fuck strangers night after night? Wishing for once he'd seeme? I didn’t ruin him. I tried to save him for years. I don't know what to do anymore."

For the first time since I'd met Cas, I felt bad for him. I didn't think either of them was the bad guy. They were both trying to get through this. Maybe no one was wrong. Maybe we were all screwed up in our own way.

"But you two…"

"Fucked? Yeah, frequently but not how you're thinking. We weren't together, but I was stupid enough to cling onto it like eventually, he'd love me back."

I had no words. What could I say?

"Does he know?" I asked.

"What? That I love him? How could he not? He doesn't love me, and I have to live with that, but I can't keep this up. I can't continue to watch him try to kill himself day after day."

"Sending him to rehab when he doesn't want to go isn't the key. You have to see that." This was so much worse than I'd thought. Anger bled out of me only to be replaced by my hopelessness. I didn't know how to help either of them. I couldn't even fix my own relationship. How could I hold theirs together?

"Then what? Let him quit? He's keeping secrets. He's out of control."

"He's always kept secrets." I turned, trying to put it all together in my mind and make sense of it. "I don't think he's any worse than he's been. He's taking his bodyguard. You know him as well as I do. Forcing him isn't the way to get him to do anything."

"He never kept secrets from me."

"Clearly he has from both of us." It hurt to admit it to myself, but it didn't diminish our friendship. I knew Iris loved me. This was who he was.

"What if he leaves after the album?"

"Then he leaves, Cas. It's better that than him dead. He won't get better until he wants to for himself. He needs help, but not like this. Not forced. Not to keep making money off of him. Don't let them do this to him." It was wrong. "If that's what is going to happen, I'll be done."

It would hurt more than anything to give up this, my love for our music and the band, but I couldn't be a part of exploiting Iris.

He turned his back on me, but not in a dismissive way. His shoulders slumped forward and his body heaved with the weight of the sadness we both carried. "And what if he doesn't make it? I can't handle it if this kills him."

"We have to do the best we can. That's all we can do. We have to love him where he's at and be there for him." I pressed my eyes closed, fighting the emotion threatening to breakthrough.

"I don't know if I can. It hurts too much."

I wrapped my arms around him from behind. "I'll help. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize what was going on. I failed you both."

"It's not your fault. I kept it a secret."

We stayed that way for a long time.

"I'll talk to Alexander," Cas said when we broke apart. "I don't know how he'll take it. But you're right. Not like this."

"Thank you."

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