Page 145 of The Penalty

“I’m not hungry.” The words are almost angry like he’s said it before and not that long ago.

I open the door, quickly step inside and close it. He glares at me from his bed, curled up on his side.

“I don’t have anything to say to you.”

“I know and that’s fine, but I have things to say.” I stand in front of the door like a wall so he can’t escape before he hears me out.

“I don’t care.” He sits up, anger putting some color in his cheeks. Jesus. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a week. This is not the brother I know. This guy is rumpled, exhausted, un-showered, and angry. So, so angry. “I stopped caring what you had to say when you started lying to me. Get out.”

“No.” I cross my arms and lean against the door. If he needs to yell at me first, so be it. I’m sure whatever he has to say, I deserve.

“What the fuck do you mean, no? This is my room! Get out!”

“No. Not until I’ve talked.”

“You don’t get to make excuses to make yourself feel better!” he screams, breathing hard.

“I’m not trying to make myself feel better. Be angry at me. I deserve it. I’ve been a shit brother for years and this is the nail in the coffee. I get that. But Rhys deserves better.” I’m breathing harder now too. Emotions are tangling in my chest like snakes. And not the good kind of snakes.

“Rhys is probably worse than you at this point! He was my best friend. He kneweverythingabout me, and he still fucked around with you and lied to me about it! You, I expect to not give a shit about me or how I feel, but I expected better from my best friend. Even after I told him I was in love with him. He. Said. Nothing.”

Oh fuck. This is so much worse than I thought.

“You’re in love with him?”

He throws his hands up. “Yes, you obtuse meathead,” he huffs and stands. “Is that really all you heard? You’re even more oblivious than I thought, which is saying something.”

“No, it’s not all I heard.” I step toward him, wanting to hug him or punch him or both. I don’t know. Maybe shake him alittle. “I heard that you’ve learned to expect me to fuck you over. That you can’t count on me to have your back.”

“How is that surprising? When have you ever done something that wasn’t for your benefit?” He doesn’t get it either.

I guess we’re doing this now.

“You know, for being as smart as you are, you’re pretty oblivious too.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re so fucking smart, Tobs. You have a full ride scholarship to a fucking a college in the Myth League because of your brain. That’s better than the Ivys even. You can talk to Mom and Dad about shit that I can’t pronounce, much less understand the concept of. You’re one of their equals.” A knot forms in my throat and it burns like a cinnamon Atomic Fireball. “All I’m good at is hockey. It’s all I have. I’m basically a dog begging for pats when they learn to shit outside.”

A tear trails down Tobi’s face, and he brushes it away. “Everyone loves you. No one gives a fuck about what I’m doing. They all just want to be around yourgreatness.They will stop mid-sentence with me to talk to you about hockey. When have they ever interrupted a hockey story to ask me about anything I was doing? Never.”

“People want to be around me because I’m dumb. They want to laugh at me. I’m a damn clown. No one takes me seriously. No one asks me for advice on stuff that matters. That’s you. You’re the reliable one.”

He’s shaking his head like I’m the one not understanding, and maybe he’s right. We’re coming from two very different places, and I don’t know how to bridge the gap but I have to try.

“Do you know how much respect I have for you?”

“What?”

“Being smart is a big responsibility. People expect shit from you, hold you to a higher standard. There’s no room for beingwrong or making mistakes. That’s terrifying. It’s so much easier to be a moron and not have anyone expect anything from you. I respect the shit out of you for being you. For taking a stand and demanding people treat you with respect. It’s too much pressure for me.”

Tobi squints at me. “Are you saying you pretend to be dumb?”

I laugh, but there’s not much humor in it. “Not really. I am kinda dumb. I really thought there were gators living in the sewers. I watched this show about how they clean the sewer systems in big cities and the entire time, I was waiting for them to mention the gators. They didn’t. Not one time. I looked it up on my phone and the internet said it was a myth. I didn’t know that.”

Tobi chuckles and wipes his face.

“And until I was like seventeen, I thought you couldn’t take a shower during thunder and lightning storms because little witches would come out of the shower head.”

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