Page 28 of Absolved In Death

Living with four other men in an underground compound filled to the max with soldiers could be overwhelming to say the least. I felt like I was never alone, like someone was always watching me. This hideaway was a place I could be myself and take a breather from everything.

And a place I can let my anxiety and fear spiral in private.

I shifted to my Hellbound form, then sat in the giant poofy bean bag thing all the way in the back, behind the rows of bookshelves. I hated this version of myself. My horns were crooked, lopsided on either side of my head. My face was covered in fur, and my eyes were large, yellow orbs that unnerved the few people I let see me this way. My teeth were sharp, snaggled, and horrendously ugly. Everything about my shifted form was disgusting. But that was the point, wasn’t it?

Being a Hellbound was the ultimate form of punishment. I was bound to Hell for eternity, doomed to feed off the fear and misery of others in repentance for my sins. The atrocity I caused because of the ugliness on the inside was now plain as day for others to see on the outside.

I may have been turned into a demon for all intents and purposes…but I was a hideous, parasitic monster.

It wasn’t enough that I was punished every day for my sins, but now I had to go back to Pit 13. Where I endured torture that I couldn’t even allow myself to think about, let alone speak to Diana about when she asked me. Both times she mentioned it, I changed the subject. It was bad enough she knew about my late wife, but I didn’t want her to know how Pit 13 tortured me with what I did to her.

Correction, I am a hideous, parasitic, coward-monster.

Even though Lucifer and Judas hadn’t picked an official date, I knew we were moving soon. Everyone had their things packed for days, just waiting for the orders. I saw them leave with Quelier, Ares, Michael, and Desmond to fortify Pit 13 from outside, where it bordered the rest of Hell. It was the only place we could isolate ourselves and staunch the flow of information from our rat. We had no other option. Maybe they wouldn’t be able to alter it or create an exit, but that was a pipe dream.

“Hiding in the library again?” a smooth, lightly accented voice said to me. I knew that voice, and cringed when I saw Azazel looking at me, in my hellbound form. I shifted back, and he shook his head at me, sitting in the giant pouf next to me. His streamlined, muscular body sank into it, and he let loose a contented sigh.

How can anyone be so relaxed around me after seeing me this way?

“You never have to hide from me. I’ve known what your hellbound form looked like since before I even met you,” he shared while he pulled his long, curly hair back into a top knot.

“Your Sight?” I asked. That explains why he didn’t look unsettled when we had completed the ritual to find Lucifer.

“Mhm. My shifted form is also a punishment of sorts. Being disgraced is the ultimate black mark an angel can have above getting their wings ripped off. Now whenever I shift, I get a goat head. It’s abaaaaaadimage to have,” he said, making the word bad sound like a goat bleat.

I managed a small laugh, because despite how anxious I felt, that was the corny humor I secretly loved. Of course Azazel knew, because he was thoughtful like that. He shifted into his disgraced form, and it was very similar to how Lucifer appeared. I swallowed my fear and self loathing down, shifting back to my hellbound form.

We sat in a comfortable silence, until he brought up the subject I had been avoiding since we returned. “What did you experience in Pit 13 that makes you so scared to go back?”

My first instinct was to shut him down or lie, but something about Azazel made it hard to not confide in him. He was sonice. Sogood. I never told Diana this, but even though she had been furious at him for lying to her about Marilyn…I understood the lie. It was the kind of tough decision someone of his caliber made. The good of the many over his own conscience.

“I’m assuming between your Sight and sources, you know why I was made into a Hellbound?” I hedged. If I didn’t have to put myself through the emotional turmoil of explaining it again, I wouldn’t.

He nodded. “The broad strokes.”

“My personal Hell was experiencing what I did to her. Not the way I feel her fear whenever I feed to recharge my magic. I actually experienced it from her perspective. Whenever it ended, I would get some reprieve, but when I least expected it, it would happen again.”

He angled himself so he was facing me and ran his fingers through my hair, playing with the straight strands which differed so much from his own. “I can’t blame you for not wanting to go back. I’m nervous about it too.”

I knew what I did was unforgivable—and deserved to suffer everyday for eternity—but his words brought me comfort. I felt like less of a coward knowing that someone else was just as worried as me about returning to that place.

“What was your personal Hell?” I asked. His fingers paused as he mulled over his words. Maybe I had asked him something too personal?

“I shared with Diana at first, watching mean girls from school bully her. I wasn’t able to help her, and it brought me back to my guardian angel days, when I had to sit on the sidelines and watch my charges make awful decisions. But then he changed it to how I almost lost myself after I was disgraced…let’s just say I had a really rough, dark time.” He laughed dryly, then ran his tongue over his bottom lip in thought. “I made peace with my disgracing centuries ago, though. Most of my torture was feeling my heart break after I hurt Diana. That was the worst pain I ever experienced, including when Red shot my wing. When I thought I lost her, my whole world came crashing down.”

A few tears rolled down his face, and I wrapped him in my arms. I used my shirt sleeve to wipe them away. Azazel’s ability to be so vulnerable astounded me. I knew Ares, Bash, and Desmond didn’t do it on purpose, but sometimes they acted so…strong. They had their own crosses to bear, but they shoved their pain so deep sometimes that it was easy to forget they had it. Having Diana in our lives made all four of us more open to our feelings, but we still had a long way to go.

“I felt the same way after I stabbed her…” I hated thinking about how I hurt another woman I loved. “I deluded myself into thinking I hated her so much and didn't care about her one bit. But I fell in love with her. Then I got brainwashed into stabbing her.”

“If it makes you feel any better, you stabbing her was the catalyst that brought us all together. It brought both her fathers into her life.” He smiled at me. His beauty in this moment was so striking, I leaned over to kiss his cheek.

“Awww, did we interrupt a cuddle session?” Bash teased us. He and Ares made their way back to us, smiles on their faces.

How many people know about my hiding place, for fuck’s sake.

“You cuddled without me! Why do you hate me so much?!” Ares whined as he jumped on top of us, deflating our bean bag and smushing us into the floor. “All I ever wanted was to be the center of a cuddle orgy and no one ever invites me!”

“Wow, A-Bomb. I wonder why?” Bash deadpanned.

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