Page 130 of Voices

I do the same, listening to my rock mix.

It doesn’t do the trick like it usually does. I keep thinking of how frail and sad Charlie has gotten. He seems to sink further and further into the mattress with each passing day, and it kills me that I can’t do more for him.

Hopefully Lily can get him to talk or maybe even draw for a little while. Anything to help bring him back.

Not wanting to drown in things I can’t control right now, I pull up the group chat I have with my sisters.

Me: I’m heading to a game 2 hours away. Distract me!

Lizard: Where are you heading?

Me: Just north of Milwaukee

Becs: Take a nap. Isn’t that a pre-game thing? A superstition or something?

Lizard: I don’t think he’s supposed to talk about superstitions.

Me: It’s not a superstition, just part of my pregame schedule.

Me: I have too much on my mind to sleep

Becs: He still not talking :(

Lizard: One of my friends’ sisters has depression and she said it’s different for everyone. And that each time she shut down, it took different methods to get her back. She said that sometimes you can’t do anything and that the only thing you can do is be there for when the clouds clear.

Me: I can’t help feeling like I could be doing more.

Lizard: That’s because you’re a caregiver. You’ve always been there when we got sick. Checking on us constantly to make sure we had everything.

Becs: And you always fussed over us until we got better. It’s just who you are. You take care of the ones you hold closest to your heart.

They’re right. I even took care of our mom anytime she got sick, even though she told me to go be a kid and to stop worrying about her. But my mind wouldn’t let me.

Lizard: I’ve got to get back to work. Love you both! Good luck at your game!

Becs: Not to leave you hanging but I’ve got to start getting ready. Brady got us tickets to see Billie Eilish!! It’s like 3 hours north so we’re making a day of it!

Me: Lucky! Have fun. Tell Brady I said hi.

Becs: Thanks! And I will. Don’t forget I’m only a phone call away if you need to talk.

Me: I know. TTYL

I switch over to my texts with Lily

Me: How’s he doing?

Feisty Pants: He’s still sleeping

I rub my hand across my mouth and I stare out of the window, watching the trees fly by in a blur. I let the rock music in my ears take over any more thinking. I turn my hat forward facing, pulling it low over my eyes, and lean against the cool window.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Shane

I’m jerked awake when the bus comes to a stop and Ash flips the bill of my hat up. We quickly get off the bus, grab our gear, and head inside. We dump our shit by our lockers then head to the cafeteria for some food. I get my usual, two grilled chicken breasts, wild rice, and steamed vegetables. I don’t even taste it. We then spend some time playing hacky sack and kicking a soccer ball around.

When it’s finally time to get ready for the game, we head back into the locker room. I keep my head down as I change into my compression shirt and pants. As I head out of the locker room to warm up, Benji steps in front of me, blocking the door.

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