Page 164 of Voices

“Look in the trunk when you get somewhere safe. I used this car to get your stuff from the dumpster after they threw it out. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I kept it all hidden in the trunk.” He pauses. “Take care of yourself, Charlie.”

I’ve disappointed him too.

Once I’m down the driveway and on the main road, I turn up the radio asDarksideby Bring Me the Horizon blasts through the speakers and punch the accelerator to the floor. I fly down the streets as tears flow freely. I narrowly miss a few parked cars on the side of the road but, I don’t care anymore.

When the entrance to the highway comes into view, I contemplate getting on and driving back to Shane. But then I remembered that he didn’t need me. Not when he has all the guys and now Katie.

I fly past the highway entrance and take a hard right at the next street which leads right to my favorite beach. As I get closer, I hit a speed bump I didn’t see and go flying. I land hard as the car bottoms out, causing me to lose control. I let go of the wheel and closed my eyes. The car swerves and comes to a hard stop when it crashes into the Welcome to Ayers Beachfront Landing sign.

The door and I groan as I push the airbags to the side and slowly climb out. Popping open the trunk, I dig through the black garbage bags until I hear pills hitting the sides of plastic bottles. I pull out three bottles and shove them in my pocket, not giving a shit what they are. Tossing that bag to the side, I move my old blanket. Jackpot! I grab the unopened bottle of Jack and make my way to the beach.

It's fucking freezing this close to Lake Michigan. Even up on this dune, about a half mile from the shore. I guess it doesn’treally matter though. I have the jacket laid out under me with half the bottle of Jack slowly warming my blood.

Pulling the bottles out of my pocket, I use the flashlight on the phone to read the labels. Ambien, Floux-something, and Adderall. I toss the Adderall to the side. I think the second one is an anti-depressant, so it’s added next to the Adderall. Ambien it is. A nice long nap sounds wonderful right now. I struggle to open the bottle since my left hand can’t grip that well. I eventually get it open and pour some into my hand, confused when there’s a green pill mixed in with the blue ones. Bringing it closer, I see a smiley face on it.

It’s the Molly Noah gave me a while ago. I forgot I even had it. I should have taken it when I got back for getting my ass kicked by my father. Maybe then I wouldn’t have spiraled into the darkness and caused Shane so much heartache.

I flick it off my palm with my thumb and watch it get lost in the dark sand as I put the remaining pills on my tongue and swallow them down with the help of my friend Jack.

I lay down and as I watch the stars and listen to the waves crash on the shore, the day comes back to me memory after memory.

Shane leaving me to go to the party. My townhouse being emptied and filled with stuff that’s not mine. Shane having fun with Katie. Conrad pointing a gun at me. My father knowing what Conrad has been doing to me this whole fucking time. Conrad’s rough hands all over me setting my skin on fire.

I realize in this moment that I have no one. Iamno one.

A waste of air!

A disgrace to the Alexander name!

Fucking loser!

You’d be better off dead!

The voices are louder than ever.

So fucking useless!

Why can’t you be more like your brother?

Fucking disgrace to this family!

What they’re shouting…is true.

Fucking pathetic!

Piece of shit!

Embarrassment!

Nobody wants you, Charlie!

I can’t do this anymore. I’m so tired of everything.

I sit back up, and with a shaking hand, I pour a few more Ambien in my mouth and swallow them with more whiskey. I dial Shane’s number. When he doesn’t answer I wait for his voicemail.

If someone deserves a final goodbye, it’s him.

“Hey, it’s Shane. I’m probably out on the ice so leave me a message and I’ll call back when I get a chance.”

---