Page 165 of Voices

I wait for the beep, spinning the black ring he gave me with my thumb around my middle finger until I can see the word Promise.

“H-Hi. I’m sorry for doing this over the phone but I have to tell you this before…it doesn’t matter. I love you, Shane Eli Hawkins. I’ve had the best moments of my life being by your side. You’ve brought me so much joy.” I stop to wipe the tears from my face and collect my scrambled thoughts. “I hope you get drafted and play for the NHL. You deserve it, Superstar.”

I take another drink and clear my throat. “I know I’ve disappointed you in one way or another, I seem to do that to everyone in my life. I really did try,” my voice becomes raspy as I fight the tears. “I tried, for you. B-but I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting my demons. Tired of feeling like shit day in and day out. Please don’t be mad, okay?” My head starts to spin, so I lay back down but that just makes it hard to breathe. “I love you. I’m…just…so…tired…”

The stars above me start dancing around to the beat of my heart that I can hear loudly in my ears. They pulse, going from small to big then back again. I slide my ring off and bring it above me so I can see Always on the inside.

I’ll always love you, Shane.

My heavy arm drops to my chest as my eyelids slowly start to shut. Looking up into the fading sky, a star flickers, losing its light.

A boulder lands on my chest making breathing next impossible.

The world goes blessedly black.

Finally.

I don’t want to wake up this time.

Chapter Forty

Shane

“Come on Shane, just one more! You nursed that last drink for like an hour and that was over two hours ago!”

Ryder has been offering me drink after drink since we walked through the doors a few hours ago. He knows I’m not a big drinker, but I guess when Charlie uses those golden eyes on you, you do what he asks.

A sharp pain twists in my chest.

Guilt.

I know he said he didn’t need help and was fine on his own, but I feel like I should have gone with him. It’s been there, the guilt, in the back of my mind the moment I watched him pull away.

“Yo, earth to Shane!”

A hand waves in front of my face, snapping me back. Matt is now in front of me, looking just as drunk as Ryder.

“Hey, there you are. I thought aliens took over your brain when you didn’t respond.” His glassy eyes squint. “Wait, you have that look! Ryder! Ryder, he has that weird look he gets when he’s thinking too hard! Ryder? Where the fuck are you?” He yells.

I watch as he sways to the beat pulsing through the house, swinging his head from side to side, looking for Ryder. I shake my head when I spot Ryder in the middle of two busty women in the middle of the makeshift dance floor. Matt must forget what he’s doing because he’s now dancing, horribly I might add, witha guy from the football team. Huh, looks like he’s in explore mode with his sexuality. Good for him.

Looking around the hot overcrowded room, I spot Asher leaning against the wall next to the door that leads to the backyard. He hates being around this many people like Charlie, but he always comes because he knows our two best friends are a handful to deal with when they’re drunk and it’s time to leave.

He catches my eye and tilts his head towards the door next to him. I make my way through sweaty bodies and follow him outside. The freezing air feels like heaven on my overheated skin. We walk over to the rail and lean on it, looking out at the backyard that’s lit up with a shit ton of twinkling lights.

“I don’t remember it being this wild last year. Even downstairs has been overrun. So much for it being upperclassmen only.”

Ash grunts. ‘What was up with Katie being all over you?’

I roll my eyes. “She wanted to go upstairs and find an empty room. She was so unstable on her stilettos that she ended up falling against me.” Shaking my head, I chuckle. “I handed her off to one of her less drunk friends. Girl can’t catch a hint if it slapped her in the face.”

Ash nods. ‘I haven’t seen Lily,’ he signs. ‘She’s usually late but not this late.’

I nudge his elbow with mine. “Am I sensing a crush?” I tease.

Shaking his head, he shoves me before turning around and looking back into the house before turning his head to me.

‘She’s gorgeous but way out of my league. It just seems odd that she’s not at one of the biggest parties these fraternities have.’

---