Page 37 of Voices

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up!

I yank on my hair as hard as I can until my scalp starts burning.

Fuck, why am I like this?

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I take as deep a breath as I can. Looking around at my room, it’s not too messy. I quickly pick up the empty bottles of pop and throw them away. I shove the two bags of stale chips under my bed along with the dirty clothes. I have no idea what to do with all my blankets though. There’s no room in the closet and I already filled up the space under my bed. Deciding he wouldn’t care, I toss an armful in front of the closet and leave four on my bed. That’s good enough for me.

I hurry over to the door that connects to the only bathroom. I turn the handle and slowly open it in case Shane doesn’t realize I have access from my room. It’s empty. I rush over to the maindoor, locking it. Walking up to the sink, I open the cabinet and grab the bottles of Valium and Ambien. I need Ambien to sleep but I need Valium to control this anxiety.

Just take them both, nothing will happen.

Good way to not wake up tomorrow.

Shane is here you dumbass, you can’t mix pills now.

My hands start shaking when I try to open the Valium.

Fucking bottle. I throw it at the wall, but it still doesn’t open. I grab the Ambien and open it on the second try. Sleep it is. I swallow two of them before picking up the Valium and putting it away. I’m still anxious as hell and these voices are only going to get louder and louder.

I reach for my baggie with the razor and weed.

Fuck.

I didn’t call Pete. He has the shit that’ll last me at least three weeks. I smoked my last joint a few days ago which means I can’t burn the pain away from my legs after I cut.

A knock on my bedroom door scares the shit out of me, making my heartbeat even faster.

“You okay in there?”

I move to the door by my room. “Y-yeah, I’m almost finished.”

I hear him chuckle. “Charlie, I don’t care what your room looks like. I live with Ryder, remember? His room is a hazard zone.”

I can’t keep him waiting.

“Just a sec,” I call out as I go back into the bathroom. I don’t have time to cut before he knocks again but I needsomething.I open the cabinet again and grab the Xanax. This shit lasts forever, and I’ll be feeling good in no time.

You already took two Ambien, don’t do this to Shane. It’s not his fault you’re a fuck up.

Damn it!

I put it back and closed the cabinet harder than necessary.

“Charlie?” Shane’s voice comes from the other side of the main bathroom door.

Rushing to my bedroom, I open the door and see Shane leaning with his ear to the bathroom door. He turns quickly when he hears me open it. “Oh, I thought I heard something in the bathroom.”

“You did. I was just in there. I have my own door in my room. I…I had to wash my hands.”

What the fuck? That’s the best you could come up with?

He gives me a weird look as he walks into my room. He looks around, not giving anything away, and walks up to my bed

“Do you want to go in first to be by the wall?”

My bed is pushed up against the far wall so I can keep my blankets from falling off. The TV is on the opposite side so we’ll have to lean against the wall to watch it.

“You can get in first.”

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