Page 49 of Voices

“Come on let’s go make sure he doesn’t burn the building down then we’ll leave.” He kisses me before pulling back and taking my hand.

We step out of his room to the sound of beeping coming from the oven. When we get to the kitchen, the two girls are sitting at the island. They both wave and smile at Shane then turn back to their conversation. Ryder is pressing buttons on the oven with a frozen pizza sitting on the counter next to him. Shane leaves me to go help him.

As I walk past the girls to get to the front door, I hear them whisper ‘loser’, ‘emo boy’, ‘gay’. I look back at them as they look at me like I’m gum stuck to the bottom of their shoes.

Like my father does.

My shoulders come up to my ears as I wait in the corner by the door. My heart is beating like crazy as it becomes harder and harder to take a full breath.

No. Not now. Not in front of them.

You should have taken more Xanax.

Now they’ll see what a true fuck up you are.

Do it!

PANIC! PANIC! PANIC!

My legs give out and the ground rushes for me.

But right as I’m about to land face first, strong arms wrap around me from behind.

‘I’ve got you now boy. You didn’t think you could escape me, did you?’

I gasp for air as the edges of my vision start to turn black.

‘Let me go, please. I don’t want to do it anymore.’

“I’ve got you, Charlie.”

I try to clear my vision, but I can’t.

I slowly open my eyes to worried blue ones. Shane strokes my forehead, not saying anything. Looking around, I see his light grey walls and know we are in his bed. I close my eyes and try to erase what happened.

“Don’t close your eyes again, beautiful.” He gently rubs under my eye. “Please look at me.” He sounds sad.

You did that.

I open my eyes as a tear rolls over my nose and down the top of my cheek. He pulls me into his arms as I bury my face in his neck and break.

I let the reminder of what today is sink in. I soak the collar of his shirt with my tears and twist it in my hands as I use it as an anchor to keep me here and not fall back into the past.

Shane holds me through it all, shushing me and kissing my head over and over.

I don’t deserve someone as kind as him in my life.

I let the exhaustion my mind has put me through this morning take over and fall back into the darkness.

When I open my eyes again, I’ve loosened my grip on his shirt and the sun has moved.

“Please talk to me, Charlie,” Shane whispers into my hair.

I wish I could tell him, but I can’t. It’s too much. He’ll find out how much of a fuck up I am.

What I did.

What I let happen.

---