Page 94 of Voices

He holds out a nugget for me. I take it and bite off a small piece. It tastes exactly like it did the first time he made it for me. I give him a half smile and turn back to the TV. I watch as he leans forward and grabs the bowl. I close my eyes and hope that he doesn’t make me eat any. I hear him mix the noodles and then shift closer. I hold my breath as I wait for him to bring the spoon to my lips.

But I don’t feel anything.

I open my eyes and look at him. He’s set the bowl down on the end table and is looking at me with his brows scrunched together.

I bite my lip as I turn away from him.

Great, you’ve made him mad.

Why don’t you just grow the fuck up and eat the damn food?!

“What’s wrong, Charlie?” He rubs my back as he scoots closer, his thigh against mine.

Shaking my head, I swallow back the frustrating tears. “I’m not hungry. Sorry, you wasted your time on me.” I wrap my arms around my stomach as I brace for his anger.

“Waste my time? Charlie, Iwantedto make you food. Whether you believe me or not, I love spending as much time with you as I can.” He moves to the corner of the couch and pats his leg. “Come here.”

I lay my head down on his lap and look up at him. “I’m sorry,” I say quietly.

“Don’t apologize. I’m worried about you, baby. I was trying to help by making your favorite food but if you’re not hungry, I’m not going to force you to eat. I made extra that are already in the fridge for when you are hungry.”

“Thank you,” I whisper up to him.

He rubs his hand over my head, looking down at me. “Can you tell me what happened yesterday? I don’t care about you missing the game as much as I care about who that guy was and what he wanted.”

I want to tell Shane exactly who he is, but I can’t.

Bad things happen to the people who try to help, and I’ll die if something happens to Shane because of me.

When I don’t answer he nods and looks down at my covered legs.

“Can you tell me what happened there?”

I squirm around until the blanket is under my chin, hiding all my broken pieces. I look over his shoulder at the wall, letting my eyes zone out as I share the ugliness that I’ve become.

“I cut when the voices get too loud or when it's all…too much.” I pause for a second, thinking of the relief that comes from cutting. “The sting from the initial cut quiets my mind and the pain from dragging the blade through my skin numbs my head. I don’t always like the way the pills make me feel or how long they last. But this way, I can control it…and I can add another cut if it’s not enough.”

“Baby,” he chokes out as he strokes the side of my face. “I saw all the pill bottles in the bathroom. I know you said your mom refills them, but does she know how many there are? That many different types of drugs can’t be right for one person.”

He sounds confused as he looks down at me. I smile sadly, turning to look at him as tears gather in the corners of my eyes.

“She knows about them because she’s the one who gave them to me. She’s been switching them out ever since I was thirteen. She knows, she just doesn’t care.”

“That’s horrible. I don’t know what half those pills are, but if you take too many, they could kill you.” He looks angry now, his brows furrowing. “Why would she have all of them? Fuck, why does she think it’s okay to give them all to you?” His jaw clenches.

I reach up and smooth the crease between his brows with my finger. “I don’t want to talk about her anymore.” I trace his lips lightly before lifting my head up. He meets me halfway for a tender kiss.

Pulling back, he looks down at me, running his fingers over my temple. “We can do whatever you want, baby. The day is yours.”

I turn my head to kiss the inside of his wrist before rolling over and snuggling against his leg. He lets out a soft chuckle as his fingers find my hair.

The rest of the day goes by in a blur.

When I wake up the next afternoon, Shane isn't here. I stay in my bed curled up in a pathetic ball still feeling drained from Saturday.

Lily shows up after her two classes to find me in the same spot.

"Hey Jax, how do you feel about Mexican food for a late lunch? I'm starving and Noah is already there so he can pick us up some food and have it here in like fifteen minutes. What do you say? They have the best fajitas!" She bounces on the edge of my bed as she messes with her phone.

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