Page 49 of Buried

Both of the boys were daddy’s boys for sure though.

“I can’t believe it’s been a year,” I whispered as we stepped up to the plot where Tristan was buried next to his twin sister—my best friend.

A year ago, I had signed papers that took Tristan off of life support.

Three days after that, I had watched him get lowered into the ground and his casket covered with dirt. Every man in the Sons of Hell MC and the Fathers of Mayhem MC grabbed a shovel and covered his casket while I stood on the sidelines with silent tears running down my face.

That night, I couldn’t sleep. I just cried. Joey and River laid beside me with me sandwiched between them, both of them holding me together the best that they could while every part of me tried to fall apart.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as River pressed his lips to the top of my head, my eyes not leaving the plot in front of me. “I’ve got the boys,” he quietly spoke up. “Take all of the time that you need, darlin’.”

I nodded in thanks, unable to form words yet since there was a huge lump in my throat. River lifted Jaxon onto his hip and took off at a slow jog, making Axel laugh as he ran after them, somehow managing to keep his balance on the uneven path.

Joey had offered to come with me today, to be my support, but I’d told him no.

This was something that I had to do by myself.

And it was going to hurt like hell, but I was hoping it would give me some closure.

I looked back down at the headstones in front of me and sat down on top of their graves, knowing neither one of the twins would have expected anything less from me. In fact, I could picture Tristan reprimanding me right now, but Helene would only laugh and tell him to leave me alone.

“I never thought I would lose either one of you,” I admitted in a whisper. “God, Helene, we were supposed to be best friends forever. We even had plans of being in the same nursing home when we got old, causing ruckus together,” I remembered with a soft laugh. A tear trickled down my cheek. “But you got taken away from me before you could ever really live.”

Another tear slid down my cheek, my heart squeezing painfully in my chest. “I’m so sorry that I never came to visit you after you were buried,” I apologized, more tears raining down my cheeks. “I couldn’t bring myself to. I was so damnangry. You promised me that you were getting better, and then you left me. Youliedto me.” I shook my head. “I wish you had told me how bad it was. Maybe I could have prepared myself better for your death. Losing you was one of the hardest things that I’ve ever faced. And because I was so angry, I let myself self-destruct.”

I sniffled. “And when you finally stepped back into my life, Tristan,” I said, beginning to speak to him, “it was already too late. I had ruined myself. You never destroyed me, Tristan.” I drew in deep breath. “I destroyed myself. Destroyed every partof me that made me a decent human being. I was so caught up in my own misery that I never realized that I was the main cause for all of the pain and suffering I had gone through. I was so focused on being miserable that I wouldn’t allow myself to heal. To live.”

I looked up at the sky that was shining blue, the sun warm on my face, almost mocking my hurting heart. “I wish I’d had more time with both of you,” I whispered. “But now, I know you’re both happy, wherever you are now, and I hope that you’re finally together again.” I laughed. “You two really were always inseparable.” I swallowed thickly. “And I hope neither of you are in pain anymore.”

I looked down the graveyard and saw River rolling around in the grass with Jaxon and Axel crawling over him, their laughter ringing out over the otherwise silent area. “He convinced me to come here today, you know?” I informed them. “I didn’t want to come here. I really didn’t. I wasn’t sure I could handle it, honestly, especially after I pulled the plug on you because you were only getting worse, Tristan.” I shook my head with a small smile. “But somehow, he knew what was best for me, what would really help. And if you two can see me, I hope you know that I’m okay. River has taught me to live, and Joey continues to make sure that I breathe. I’m in good hands with them.”

I swiped at my cheeks. “I know that’s what both of you had always wanted for me. To be happy, to be safe and well. I am. For once inso manyyears, I’m finally okay,” I admitted. “Some days are still extremely hard, not going to lie, but every day gets easier to get through.”

I pressed my fingers to my lips and pressed them to each of their headstones. “I’m just happy that you two are finally together again, and I’m hoping that you both smile when you look down at me,” I whispered. I swallowed past the lump in my throatso that I could speak again. “I love you both. I’ll never stop,” I promised.

I stood to my feet, and as I did so, my eyes met River’s as he stood up from the ground as well. He kneeled and whispered something to Axel, and Axel squealed loudly right before he took off running up the path to me. With a laugh, I crouched and swept him up into my arms, pressing a big kiss to his cheek.

“Momma!” he squealed, his smile as wide as the Grand Canyon. God, I loved how happy of a child he was. I prayed life never dimmed the spark in his eyes like it had done me.

I met River halfway down the path. As soon as he reached me, he reached out and tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “You cried,” he murmured as he brushed his fingertips over my cheek.

I reached up with my free hand and covered his larger hand with my smaller one, squeezing gently. “I’m okay,” I assured him.

He gently tipped my chin up and pressed his lips to mine right before our two little boys shoved our faces apart. River grinned and shook his head, his eyes shining with love as he looked between the two of them.

“Let me love your Momma,” River playfully growled.

Axel hugged my neck tightly, glaring at his dad. I snorted a laugh. “No. Momma is mine,” he said, sticking his tongue out at River.

He laughed softly as he reached up to ruffle Axel’s dark hair. “She’s ours,” River corrected. “Which means you have tohelpme love Momma.”

Axel nodded his head. “I can do that.”

My heart was damn near ready to burst because of my boys.

Reaching over, I linked my fingers through River’s, and together, we walked back up the path to the SUV.

And somehow, I knew Tristan and Helene were smiling down at me from wherever they were.

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