Page 29 of The Things That Hold Us

I scream and try to shield myself, but it's too late. My hair is full of green string.

“Mom! Really? Aren't you too old for silly string?” I gasp at her.

“Oh, I am.” she says, then chuckles, “But it wasn't my idea.”

My head whips up to her, and I see Cassie standing in my kitchen holding coffee and flowers.

“Happy 30th Charlie. You thought I’d miss seeing you first thing on the most important birthday of your life?”

“Cass.” I say, feeling a weird emotion emerge. “You didn't have to do this.”

She comes over and gives me a hug, which is rare for her. She’s not exactly a touchy kind of person.

“I did.” she sniffles in my ear, “You know I did. You are my absolute best friend, and you've been through so much in the past year. This birthday is a big milestone for you. For all of us, really. I just want you to feel all the love today.”

I feel my eyes start to sting, so I clear my throat, and she lets go of me.

Her hands cup my cheeks, “Ok. No getting emotional just yet. We’re taking you out for the day, then your party starts at 7, so go get ready.” she says as she shoves the coffee in my hands. When I hesitantly turn, she slaps my ass, “Hurry it up. My insides have been practically eating themselves with how hungry I got while waiting for you to wake up.”

“Oh stop, it's only 8:30.” I yell back at her.

Walking back to my room, I grab a towel and my robe and head to the bathroom to shower.

I turn the water on as hot as it can go without burning my skin off, and step in.

Tipping my head back, I let the hot water flow over my face and body.

30.

I’m 30 today; how did we get here so fast?

Emotions hit me like a train, and the realization of everything feels like an elephant sitting on my chest. These feelings don’t come up much, but when they do, god do they suck.

He should be here. He should be celebrating with me.

But here I am, alone, having to put on a strong face for everyone who wants to celebrate with me later.

Tears start to fall as the hot water runs over my face, and I let them, knowing I need to release these emotions now, in private, before I’m forced to go out into the world and pretend like I’m ok.

I take a deep breath, hold it, and run my hands over my face.

We can do this. It's just like any other day. He would want you to be happy and go have fun.

Exhaling, I grab my soap bottles, and finish my shower.

Today feels like a day I should wear makeup, so I put on some mascara, some bronzer on my cheeks, and some lip gloss. Looking at myself in the mirror, I don’t look any different than Idid at 29, but I feel like a completely different person than I was last year.

I toss on a beige colored flowy dress, a light knit sweater, and leave my hair in loose curls that flow down my back.

A quick check in the mirror to make sure everything looks good, and I’m ready to go.

“Damn.” Cassie says when she sees me.

“Stop it.” I tell her, “It’s nothing special.”

“Honey, you look hot. And, wait. Are you wearing makeup?” she asks.

“I may have put a little on. It’s my 30th, I wanted to look nice today.”

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