Page 38 of The Things That Hold Us

“Logan.. I need you to understand, I can't do relationships. I can’t do flings. I can’t do..” I wave a hand between us, “whatever that was.”

His eyes go back and forth between mine, searching for an answer I can’t give him.

Finally, he says, “What can you do?”

My mouth opens to answer him, but no words come out. What can I do? I’m not sure what's left in me to give anymore.

“If all I get from you is a good friendship, I’m ok with that.” he says when I don’t say anything.

My eyes are burning again and I internally curse myself for being so emotional in front of him.

“I can do that.” I say, looking down at my feet so he can't see me.

“But just know, whatever it is that hurts you, or causes you to not be able to give more than that.. It will get better. And you don't have to tell me. Just know it gets better. And that I’ll take whatever you are willing to give.”

I can't stop the tear that escapes, and slides down my cheek.

“People keep telling me that.” I say.

“But people can’t decide when you’re ready. Only you can.”

I nod, knowing he’s right.

I suck in a breath, and prepare myself for what I’m about to tell him.

“I um..” I start, not sure how to get this out. “I lost someone. Someone very important to me last year before my birthday.”

If I keep looking at my feet, maybe I can get it out.

“We were engaged for a year, taking our time planning everything. But time had other plans. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer, which quickly spread throughout his entirebody. Chemo stopped working, and there wasn't anything anyone could do except wait, and help him stay comfortable. “

I wipe my eyes, but I don't look up at Logan, because I have a feeling if I do, I’ll crumble.

“The week before he died, I set everything up with the hospital. I didn't care how, or where, I just wanted to be married to him before I lost him completely.” I fidget with my hands, trying to keep myself somewhat composed.

“We were married in his hospital room with my mom, Cassie, and his parents as witnesses. After that, the hospital told us there was nothing more they could do, and to get him comfortable, and prepare ourselves. We moved him to his parents' home in the country, and got him set up there and comfortable so he could be at home when the time came..”

“Charlie.” Logan says, but I don't look.

“I held his hand that whole night, regretting that I wanted the perfect big wedding with a lace dress, andmarigoldseverywhere. We didn’t need any of that. But he was willing to wait as long as I wanted so I could make it perfect.”

I wipe at my face, and finally look up at him, and to my surprise he’s crying too.

“I havent dated or kissed or held anyone's hand since the night I held Sam's hand through his final heartbeat.”

Logan wipes at his eyes, then looks out at the town, letting me get it all out.

“I feel it.” I start. “The pull, you were talking about.”

His eyes meet mine, and all I can see is understanding. This man sees me. And he understands.

“But it scares the shit out of me.”

He blows a breath out, then says, “Thank you. For telling me. I’m sorry you had to go through that.”

I nod, not sure I can form any words right now.

“Friends. I promise. That’s all I ask for, if you’ll allow it.”

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