Page 144 of Children of Fallen Gods

Maxand I stayed there for as long as we could, until a flurry of healers began to shuffle in and out of my room. Max reluctantly left in order to undergo his own examinations, and for awhile, I was left alone. When a gentle knock came at the door, I was expecting yet another healer. But instead, a familiar face peeked into the room.

Serel.

My first thought was,I don’t want him to see me this way.

I pushed myself up, giving him a weak smile. He returned it, and a dagger of guilt twisted in my guts.

I hadn’t realized that I had been hiding so much from Serel until now, when I found myself scrambling to erect walls around my weakness. When did that happen? When had I drifted so far away from him?

“You look awful,” he said.

I batted my eyelashes. “You do know how to flatter me.”

He just gave me a grim smile, taking a seat at the edge of my bed. The seriousness of it made me think of the way the other refugees had looked at me, when I had visited them after the battle.

A sobering thought.

I had been so deep in Reshaye’s bloodlust. I’d had to give away so much of myself to keep myself standing, let alone fighting. And I had maintained control, but only barely.

Gods, I never should have gone there, especially not without Sammerin. That had been a careless mistake, one that could have ended so badly.

“Is everyone… safe?” I asked. “At the apartments? Did any of the damage—”

“None of the fighting touched us.” Serel placed his hand over mine, as if to calm me. And I felt his stare acutely as he said, “I know what happened. I know how you were taken.”

It was suddenly difficult to speak, any measured words lost in a flood of hurt and anger, and guilt at feeling any of those things at all.

“Fijra felt so guilty about it that she told Filias. And he was furious, Tisaanah.Iwas furious.” His eyes darkened. “None of us tolerate that. Not even Filias. I know he’s hard on you sometimes, but he would never.Never.”

“Why?” I asked. “Why did she do it?”

“There’s a lot we still don’t know. Someone asked her to do it. We don’t know who, yet. But when we do—”

“I don’t mean that. I mean…whydid she do it?” My eyes flicked to him. “It wasn’t for money, was it? She wanted to turn me over to the Zorokovs. In exchange for her granddaughter.”

Serel’s mouth pressed to a thin line. “Yes. Yes, that was her thought.”

Of course. Terrible situations leading to terrible ends. Pain begetting more pain.

“Why should my life be worth more than that little girl’s?” I choked out. “I bought those people time. But if I stood in their place… borrowed time would never be enough. They need more than that. More than I’ve been able to give them.”

Pity suffused Serel’s stare. “This can’t all fall on you, Tisaanah. No one person can do this alone.”

“No. No person can.”

Nohuman, perhaps. That’s why I needed to be more, even if I could only make it a performance. But now I was starting to feel all of those different expectations tangling around me, like a spider’s web capturing me thread by thread.

“No one needs you to be more than that,” Serel murmured, and I almost laughed. Gods, how he knew me so well.

“They deserve to feel the way I did, Serel. The way I felt when I saw your face again—” Serel’s fingers tightened around my hand, and I paused, to keep my voice from breaking. “There is no sacrifice too great for that.”

He gave me a sad smile. “Listen, Tisaanah. No matter how… godlike… you looked out there, no matter how many feats of magic you pull off, no matter how much you wish you were more, you’re just a person. And I wouldn’t trade the person for the figurehead. Not for anything. I’d rather have a friend than a savior.”

My eyes stung. I was so lucky to have what I did, in him, in Max, even in Sammerin — in these people who treasured my humanity, not the spectacles I sacrificed it to create.

But I didn’t know how to be both. I didn’t know how to preserve the part of me that they loved while still being what so many more needed me to be.

“You were already my savior,” I murmured. “Andyou are my friend. And I’m so grateful to you for it.”

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