Page 241 of Mother of Death and Dawn

Get up, Aefe. This is your friend.

I managed only to roll over, slowly.

Meajqa looked like the light within him had gone out. Even the false smile that permanently graced his lips had disappeared. And yet, at the same time, something seemed sharper about him, like a haze had been stripped away.

“Aefe,” he breathed, and sank to his knees beside the bed. “Are you alright? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head, and Meajqa’s face changed slightly in confusion.

“Why didn’t you answer me? I have been looking for you everywhere. Caduan thought you might be here, and I thought that seemed farfetched, but…”

His voice trailed off as he noticed how I was staring at him. A stare that went straight through him.

I was looking at Meajqa and thinking of his father.

“I killed him.”

It was barely a whisper, hoarse and graceless.

A cacophony of emotion twitched across Meajqa’s expression. “I know.” And then, a moment later, “Good.”

I do not believe you, I thought.

Meajqa had so wanted revenge—against his father, against Nura, against the humans. I considered telling him that it changes nothing, that everything hurts just the same even after you pull that knife from your enemy’s flesh. But I did not.

Perhaps he already knew.

“I could not kill her,” he said, quietly. “I tried. I was— I had been drinking. Too much. I went alone. I wanted to watch her die. I thought it would fix… me.” His throat bobbed. “But you know what her magic is. Manipulation of fear, of minds. Even here, I…”

I realized what had changed about him. I realized that perhaps for the first time, I was seeing Meajqa utterly sober. No alcohol dulled his shame or his sorrow.

“I made a foolish, stupid decision, and now Ela’Dar suffers.”

I placed my hand over his, and the corner of his mouth rose in a weak smile, even though his eyes were still so sad.

“Come back to Ela’Dar with me,” he said, gently. “Caduan is—”

It hurt just to hear his name. My compassion for Meajqa disappeared under my own grief. I pulled my hand away. “I do not care.”

“It is bad, Aefe. He would not like how I’m describing this, but— it’s— I’m questioning—” He let out a breath, like the words were damaged. “It isbad. Please, come back with me.”

“Why didn’t he come?”

“He doesn’t want you to feel forced. He wants you to return of your own choice. Or at least, that’s what he…” Meajqa shook his head. “He doesn’t know that I’m here.”

I wanted Caduan to be here. I wanted him to fight for me. And at the same time, I didn’t, because if he did, it would only make it harder to watch him die.

The heartache was suddenly so intense that it took my breath away.

“No,” I said.

Frustration decimated Meajqa’s features. “He loves you. He is terrified for you. He will never say it that way, not in those words, because it’s him and he is so… because it’s him. But anyone who knows him can see it.”

No, he did not.

To love someone is to want to keep them forever. To love someone is to curl up with their bloodstain on the floor. But it is not love to leave someone voluntarily. It is not love to cradle someone’s heart and take it with you to the grave.

“You love him too,” Meajqa said, quietly. “And you can—”

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