Page 41 of Mother of Death and Dawn

“Goodnight, Aefe. Thank you for passing the time with me.”

He still looked unwell. He was pale, and the darkness surrounding his eyes seemed even more pronounced than before. A strange feeling stirred in my chest, a feeling that made me want to thrust out my arm to steady him.

He set off down the hall, his hand braced against the stone.

His words echoed:You only know what it is to be used.The gaping wound the humans left within me throbbed.

A part of me loved them. A part of me mourned them. And a part of me hated them, for using me, for abandoning me.

“Wait,” I said.

He stopped short. Perhaps I imagined the surprise in his expression as he turned.

“Yes?”

“I know where she is. Tisaanah. Sometimes I… I dream it. I feel her.”

A wrinkle formed between his brows. I imagined judgement in it.

“I don’t know how else to describe it,” I said, somewhat helplessly.

“I understand perfectly what you mean.” He started towards me, and I closed the gap between us. His fingers lifted to my temple. I felt a strange tug, as if he was reaching through me to the threads that connected me to deeper layers of my magic—the layer that I shared with them.

He withdrew his hand. I tried to understand his expression and failed.

“Thank you,” he said, after a long silence.

I nodded. A part of me was… glad. Proud of myself.

I watched him. And he was almost at the end of the hall when I said, without fully intending to, “Goodnight.”

Perhaps I imagined the brief pause, as if in surprise. But he did not look back as he disappeared around the corner.

CHAPTERTWELVE

TISAANAH

Idealt with unpleasant emotions the same way I always did: burying myself in work. At least there was never a shortage of people who needed my attention, plans that needed my eyes, problems that needed my brain. Filias, Serel, and Sammerin didn’t even try to approach me. Riasha came to me under the guise of work, but she watched me with concern that had nothing to do with trade strategies.

“We’ll find another way to free him, child,” she said, quietly, unprompted. “I promise.”

I had to clench my jaw so hard that it trembled to keep from saying something I’d regret.

“We have work to do,” I said, after a long silence, and Riasha nodded, and we didn’t speak of it again.

It was dark by the time she left, and by then, my mind was useless. The walls of my tent suffocated me. My rage had begun to fade, replaced with an even more unpleasant hopelessness.

Finally, I rose and went out into the night. Most people had retreated to their tents. I passed Serel’s, illuminated from within with warm flickering lantern lights. I could make out two silhouettes within. The shapes were distorted by their embrace, but I knew what I was seeing. I’d recognize Serel’s form anywhere, and Filias’s, tall and lean, was easy to identify.

I turned away. A terrible, acrid feeling stirred in my stomach.

Of course it’s easy to make this choice when he still has someone to go back to every night. He doesn’t know how it feels. Why should he care?

My own bitterness shocked me the minute the thought flitted through my mind, and I immediately hated myself for it. Serel deserved happiness. And Filias, however we sometimes disagreed, was a good man.

This isn’t who you are, Tisaanah,I told myself.

But sometimes it was so damned hard to be kind.

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