Page 130 of Mother of Death and Dawn

“Because it is easier for you,” he said. “You’re willing to sacrifice everything you have for your people. But fighting for their future won’t be any easier for you if you don’t give yourself a future to fight for.”

The words struck me like an arrow sliding between plates of steel armor. I hadn’t realized how much Sammerin saw. And yet, in this, he was still wrong. He wasn’t wrong about what he saw in me, but he was wrong about the conclusion.

“In all likelihood, I’ll die doing this,” I said. “This war will kill me.”

“That’s isn’t—”

“It is true.”

I had come so close to death, so many times. I wasn’t stupid. I knew a high probability when I saw one. “I can only escape it for so long. And then Max will have another person to mourn.”

Sammerin looked pained. “That’s a sad way to approach relationships, Tisaanah.”

“Think about it. What are his choices? Come with us, remember a horrible past, fight a terrible war? Lose more people he loves? You talk about my future, but think about his. If we let him go, we are giving him an actualfuture, Sammerin. He has a chance at”—I choked on my words—“at a clean slate. Isn’t that kinder than remembering all the things he spent decades trying to forget?” Tears stung my eyes. “Don’t accuse me of not loving him.”

I didn’t even mean to say the last part aloud. But the idea of it, the idea that maybe someone might view my actions as indifference and not love… the thought devastated me.

Sammerin’s gaze softened. “I would never think that.”

“He has a chance most people never get. He spent so long trying to escape his past.”

“His past is all over him, Tisaanah. Memories or not.”

“Perhaps traces of it. But don’t tell me this isn’t the only reason he survived Ilyzath. It could not torment him with a past he didn’t remember. You were there during the worst days of his life. Would you really want him to live through that again?”

Sammerin was silent. I saw it in his face the moment he realized I was right.

I had spent every single day for the last six months obsessed with Max’s freedom. I’d been willing to sacrifice my body, my soul, my life. I didn’t realize then it would be so much harder to sacrifice my heart.

Sammerin looked at me with such sadness. I was lucky to have a friend who looked at me that way—who saw so much more than I ever gave him credit for. But there was inherent weakness in leaning on someone else, and if I allowed even a wisp of that weakness to slip through my armor, I would collapse. I couldn’t afford to do that. Not now.

I pulled away and kept walking.

CHAPTERFORTY-FOUR

MAX

“I’m not going to Besrith.”

The split in the road wasn’t far ahead. As we continued the last leg of our journey, Brayan and I intentionally lagged behind.

Brayan shook his head. “Don’t do that to me. It was always our plan.”

“It was our plan a lifetime ago.”

“And what changed? If anything, it’s a better idea than ever. Besides, was I the only one listening to that conversation? They want you to go. Let them deal with their war.”

“Theirwar?” I spat, disgusted.

“If you allow it to become our war, it will never let you go. I know that much. And right now, it isn’t our war. Not yet.”

“Why? Because they’re not paying you?”

I actually thought that Brayan would strike me. He pushed closer, face hard. “Do you want to end up right back in Ilyzath? Staying here—with them—is how you are going to end up back in Ilyzath. And you’re going to get her locked up there, too. You would make them more of a target than they already are. Bring them more trouble than they already have coming. If that’s what you want to do, little brother, I won’t stop you. But I want you to recognize that you’d be thinking with your dick, not your head, and you won’t be doing it for them.”

“Meaningful words on loyalty from the man who won’t even acknowledge his own daughter.”

Brayan was an excellent fighter. The blow came so fast that I barely had time to react before it sent me to the ground. I spat a mouthful of blood onto the dirt.

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