Page 165 of Mother of Death and Dawn

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I sat alonefor some time longer. Luia had long ago abandoned her seat in favor of dancing, leaving me to be the only one on this side of the table, elbows leaning in the only patch of clear space among discarded plates and half-empty wine glasses.

I became aware of Caduan before he spoke, in a way that hit my every sense at once.

“Did you like the ceremony?” he asked, behind me.

I turned. I realized that something had indeed changed in how I perceived this world. I now understood how to truly admire beauty. And when I looked at Caduan now, I thought,Beautiful.

He sat in Luia’s empty chair, waiting for my answer.

“It was…” I paused, and then said the only word that my mind would now produce. “Beautiful.” I looked around at all the celebrating. “It is strange that no one seems sad.”

“Why would they be sad?”

“There was so much death.”

“Death is not a reason to be sad.”

I thought of what Caduan had said to the Fey lying on the table, rescued from the Aran queen, what seemed like a lifetime ago.

Death is not an end. Death is a door.

“Do you truly believe that?” I asked.

“I do.”

You can not lie to me, I thought.

And it was a lie. I knew this because he had gone to such lengths to return me from death. Perhaps death was a door, but if it was, he had torn it open to drag me back.

This realization made me uncomfortable. I did not like to think of Caduan as a hypocrite.

“But, I think there is certainly plenty to love about life, too, and it should be saved whenever possible.” Caduan looked at my plate, then at the dance floor. “You aren’t eating or dancing. Why not?”

“I just… I don’t feel the way that they do about these things.”

His smile softened. “You looked a bit lonely over here.”

Not anymore,I thought.

“I confess that I often feel like an outsider, too,” he said. “I was watching you and thought, ‘She looks just like I feel.’”

“But you looked so—”

“Attentive?” He let out a short laugh. “Do you remember how I used to be? I used to think there was no value in pretending for pleasantries like this. But when I built Ela’Dar, I realized that people sometimes need you to be a different version of yourself. Sometimes, it being important to them”—he nodded out to the dancing crowd—“is enough to make it important to me. So I pretend.”

“You lie.”

“It isn’t a lie. I respect my people and what matters to them. And besides…” He took in the surrounding celebration. “This has grown to mean a lot to me, too. It is important to remember the joy in being alive.”

The joy in being alive.

Was that what it was when I felt Caduan’s heartbeat?

Caduan watched me like I was a puzzle he was trying to put together. “You should eat. The food is delicious. The best of the year.”

The overflowing plates overwhelmed me. I didn’t know where I would start. And—“delicious.” What did “delicious” even mean?

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