Page 242 of Mother of Death and Dawn

“I do not,” I snapped.

“Liar.”

I did love Caduan. This realization hit me only now. I knew I loved him because I would do anything to keep him with me.

“He is dying,” I ground out.

Meajqa’s mouth closed, eyes going serious. “Yes. He is.”

“Did you know?”

Please say no.

“Only now. I suspected something was wrong before, but I wasn’t certain.”

Words tangled in my throat. They were such clumsy instruments for this. I began to roll back towards the wall, but Meajqa’s hand grabbed my shoulder, stopping me mid-movement.

“He is desperate, Aefe. He is ready to storm Ara no matter what it costs. He feels he doesn’t have time for a measured response, for anything less than everything. I cannot describe how— how— He is just socalm. But the calm is what terrifies me. He is breaking. Please come back with me. Help me fix this.”

My whole body hurt, deep within, somewhere deeper than my bones. I hurt when I thought of the prospect of seeing Caduan’s face again. I hurt when I saw Meajqa’s suffering, right before me.

No one had told me this. That caring for others hurt so much.

I cannot help you, Meajqa. I want to, but I can’t. I am not strong enough for this.

I wasn’t even strong enough to say the words aloud. So instead, I said nothing.

Meajqa stood abruptly, his sadness replaced with anger.

“Do you think I don’t want to do this, too?” he snapped. “Hide somewhere where no one will find me? Cut away everything that would bring me pain? I still dream of the humans’ laboratory every night. I even still grieve my father. I shed tears for that traitor. Even now, I feel it.” His lip curled into a sneer. “And I would give anything to carve all that away. But I can’t, Aefe. I know because I’ve tried. I have tried to drown it in wine and smother it beneath warm bodies and strangle it with vengeance. But it persists. Only now have I finally realized that it always will. And our king… for the first time… I am afraid of him. Afraid of what he will do to kill his own fear, and what will die alongside it.”

So much. I knew it, too. Still, I said nothing.

Meajqa’s voice was hard with anger and rough with desperation.

“If not for him, then for me. We are friends, aren’t we? The two most broken things in Ela’Dar’s palace? I’m asking you not as a noble, not as Caduan’s lover, but asmyfriend. Come back with me. Please.”

Go with him.He is your friend. You care for him, too. He needs you. Be what he needs you to be.

But I couldn’t make my voice work. Could not make my body move. The weight of hopelessness and grief smothered me like a pillow made of lead.

When Meajqa looked down at me with disgust, a part of me reveled in it. It was easier to be hated than loved.

“Fine,” he muttered.

I rolled back to the wall and listened to his footsteps fade.

CHAPTERNINETY-SEVEN

MAX

Ihad not seen this level of absolute destruction since Sarlazai. Tisaanah and I set to work immediately, trying to dig survivors from the rubble of the fallen Towers. A few Wielders had been able to summon their own spheres of protection in the seconds before the collapse, like Tisaanah had for us.

Most were not so lucky.

Many of the surrounding houses simply ceased to exist, now reduced to scorch marks on the cobblestones that outlined the former footprint of someone’s home. Tisaanah took charge immediately, putting spectators to work with a firm, steady leadership and comforting words, a balance that she managed to strike as if it was second nature. I, meanwhile, rallied the military to help with search and rescue.

Sammerin was one of the first to run to the Towers. When he saw us, he just collapsed onto the block of broken brick, his head sagging, like his relief had left him deflated.

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