Page 79 of Failed State

Frustration fills me as I wad up the previous dirty stuff in a ball so I can get rid of it in the bathroom before I join the others. Whatever my powers are, they aren’t unfurling quickly enough, and shit like the birth control randomly failing keeps putting me at a disadvantage. I’ve never wished I was a guy more than today in that damn gym. The look on the guys’ faces made me want to crawl under the floorboards even though Iknowwhat happened is completely fucking normal.

“Get a grip, Sydney,” I say as I set the ball of pants on the dresser and reach up to undo my braid. The relief I feel when I let the tightly woven strands loose is palpable, and I carefully run the brush through it until the golden waves fall over my shoulders. “You can survive almost anything if you’ve lasted this long. No way are you going to let the goddamn humans best you.”

My eyes narrow and I realize that my hatred for what they’ve done to our kind definitely outweighs my doubts and fears. Even if I wasn’t meant to be the savior or whatever, I can still help fuck up their precious order with the help of my teammates. We can spark the flame of revolution and the supes can save themselves, for fuck’s sakes. That’s how we can win—not that it will happen quickly or without sacrifice.

Am I willing to be that sacrifice if it comes to it?

I ponder that question as I slap the stupid creams and drops on my face like Shoshana’s people instructed. Do I believe in this cause enough to risk my life? Pressing my lips together, I stare at the array of cosmetics while my mind races. I do, especially because so many women and children died during Taterman’s fucking sweeps. People who weren’t resisting were slaughtered along with the rebels, simply because they were in the same general area. They could have sent those without weapons to the camps; they made an unforgettable, unerasable mental picture they broadcast across this country so we all knew to surrender.

“If I’m being forced into this kind of bullshit, and I’m reluctant to give up my life for freedom, what chance do supernaturals have? No one will risk it if they don’t have examples of others who are putting it all on the line to unshackle themselves.”

Heavy-handed rhetoric, of course, but that doesn’t make it untrue. If I stand for nothing, I’ll fall like everyone else—and anyone who thinks simply winning this damn competition will earn them the right to live peacefully hasn’t been paying attention for the past four years. There’s no option for the supes on the teams now, but I can help others, even if I don’t get to see the result.

Suddenly, a smirk comes over my lips when I realize how mopey I sound. “Those damn hormones are hitting me like bricks to the face today. I’m angry, emo, hungry, cranky, and ridiculously poetic. I hope this shit doesn’t last for long or the guys are going to wish they could be on a rocket to Mars.”

One more glance in the mirror confirms I don’t look like a scarecrow, so I pick up the bundle of pants. Opening the door, I quickly scoot from my room to the bathroom, disposing of what I need to and stuffing the clothes in the hamper there. The last thing I want to discuss with anyone is the nightmare that hasbeen my personal hygiene today. I pick up an extra perfume spray sitting on the counter and douse myself, then sigh in relief.

Okay, now I think I’m ready to face the firing squad.

I take a deep breath and exit the bathroom, heading down the corridor to the living area. The guys are still pretending to be engrossed in their homework, so I drop down on the far end of the couch and tuck my feet under me. “Thanks for letting me decompress for a few. It’s been a long ass day.”

Elias’ gaze flicks to me, and the quiet dragon rumbles, “We all need space sometimes, little rebel.”

“Not me,” Rory says, as he leans back on his elbows, his eyes dancing as he grins at me. “I like to be as close as possible. However, since I’m a gentleman…”

I frown, tilting my head as I glare at the mage. “That’s not true. The other night you barged into my room despite my apparent discomfort, and I’m fairly certain the rest of these goons put you up to it.”

He blinks, looking confused for a moment. “When I didn’t let you close the door? Vicious, I didn’t mean to push your boundaries with that. I just… I knew I could help, and no one wanted you to be hurting.”

“Next time, keep your body parts to yourself and wait until you’re invited, then,” I whisper. “I’m not saying you were wrong, or that you didn’t help—you helped a lot. But it would have gone a lot more smoothly if you’d waited until I was ready to let someone into my space.”

Rory is quiet for a moment—a minor miracle, to be sure—and then he nods. “Message received, babe. I’ll be more conscientious from now; cross my heart.”

Thad clears his throat, looking at me seriously. “While we’re on the subject, it would be good if we all try not to huff off and leave the rest wondering what the hell is happening when we get upset.”

I blink, surprised at the blatant insinuation and thatThadis the one who said it. It’s not like my gentle, laid-back bear to call me out so publicly. He’sright, of course, but I’m just shocked to hear him say it. “Um, yeah. I’m sorry about that. That’s my bad habit to break, I suppose. Product of being on my own with my dad for so long, I guess, but that doesn’t excuse making you guys worry. I’ll work on it.”

Surprisingly, I actually mean that, and the relieved expressions on their faces are making me warm all over.

YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US

RORY

I thinkI’m the grease that makes all the wheels stop screeching.

Making nice with Vicious last night calmed her down, and while we waited for food, she even helped the others with their fashion homework. Well, she tried, and in the end, Sebastian and I had to step in. But it’s the effort that counts, right? She was so upset when she fled the showers and then our last class… I expected a lot of head butting when she got back. My well-thought out belly up made her feel heard, and then she gave me back the same consideration. That allowed everyone in the room to quit holding their breath—though the vamp still looked pained most of the time.

It’s probably because he could smell the blood—from her, from whatever the docs did in her dirty clothes—and it’s pushing buttons he didn’t think he had. I’m a flirty disaster bisexual, but I’m aware of when people are trying to pretend they’re not attracted to someone. He’s probably got it in his noggin that she’ll never truly like him and while that’s fair, it’s also discounting the fact that Sydney is actually taking all this changebetter than she thinks. A few dust-ups here and there, but mostly… she’s riding it out.

Most of the people I’ve been stuck with since the Sweeps wouldn’t have been able to navigate through nearly as much without major blow-ups—worse ones than a few emotional outbursts. But I also know that females—even supes—have been damn near trained from birth to give one another shit about externalizing emotions, especially in public. I bet she’s worried that people will think she’s acting like a child or being selfish—which is why she hides shit at first. That’s dumb as fuck, and menneverthink about that shit when they lose their tempers.

No one calls them toddlers or immature when they have public meltdowns—it’s such a weirdly internalized misogyny.

Luckily, I’m here to be the sexy, jolly buffer and I can help talk all these pent-up assholes in my group off the ledges. It’s a bit of emotional labor I didn’t ask for, but for once? I’m happy to do it. For some reason I haven’t pin-pointed yet, I’m very on board with creating a weird, misshapen Addams Family with our team. I want us to overthrow the fucking government, yeah, but I kinda want to retire to some luxury house and bicker until we’re ancient. I’m multi-layered like that.

“Why is he smiling like a stoned pink cat?” Vicious says as she joins us at the door. Her crankiness isn’t because of yesterday or even the morning—no, we have that damn shitty set of classes again, starting with the cult one.

Winking at her, I yank the door open so we can file out and head downstairs. “I am just pleased with our development as a team. We barely even argued this morning; it’s a real accomplishment.”

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