Page 85 of Failed State

His grin widens as he sighs. “Vicious, you have boxes of shit that Gemma had sent to our room that you haven’t even opened yet. I just rifled through them until I found some stuff that would work for this. I didn’t look through your undies drawer or anything. Dante said no boundary breaking, right?”

He did and I’m relieved to hear that despite his excitement, Rory is trying to stick with that.

“Alright,” I reply as I move to turn the light on, and Rory shakes his head. “What? I can’t see.”

A small ball of fire pops up in his hand, and I shrink back. “Don’t worry, Syd. I’m gonna light the candles with it, not set shit on fire. It’s all good.”

My face turns red and I’m glad he probably can’t see my embarrassment in the dim light. I watch as he moves from the sink to the toilet to the edge of the tub, lighting each one of the small candles carefully. “This feels so extravagant,” I murmur. “I mean, I’m here soaking in this big tub and smelling candles and whatever the hell else you have stacked along that back ledge… but people are…”

Rory’s expression is firm as he turns back to me. “Don’t do that, Vicious. You’re right; this is a lot compared to what you’re used to and maybe even more compared to what the dragon experienced in lockdown. But we didn’t ask to be chosen for this shit and we might die trying to save people. So… we’re going to enjoy what we can when we can, because withoutsomejoy, life just isn’t worth the pain, you know?”

I hate it, but he’s right. Without little pleasures, you have nothing to hope for.

Swallowing the weirdly strong emotion sticking in my throat, I nod at the handsome magic user. He puts out the flame in his palm with a cheeky wink, then futzes with a few more thingsbefore he claps his hands. “There we go. One very soothing, calming bath to soak away some of the pain and frustration. Then when you’re nice and relaxed, you can come out to eat and be further pampered, milady.”

“Uh, milady? I don’t think so, Rory.” I snort at him and he just bats his lovely, thick lashes at me. “I’m not that kind of girl and we all know it.”

“Sydney, you can be any kind of woman you want now that you’re free of the past shit. And whoever that is, I guarantee every asshole in that front room will be okay with it. Some things, you just need to take on faith.”

I open my mouth to protest, but the mage takes my momentary surprise to duck out of the bathroom. The door clicks behind him and I frown at the space he was occupying a moment ago. Why in the hell wouldn’t they care who I become if it’s not the ‘me’ they all met? What kind of male bullshit is this whole ‘reward’ thing they’re so into? I peel my clothes off, placing them in the basket as I walk over to the very frilly bathtub with my basket of girl crap.

This feels like a trap, but also, it feels like a moment in time that I have to pay attention to. The guys didn’t have to suggest this—especially Bas—and I definitely didn’t earn it, no matter how much they say I did. All I did today was hold my shit together and survive the classes without punching anyone or starting an argument. I have no idea why anyone would think those things merit this kind of treatment.

Do they think such tiny achievements are worthy of this kind of… kindness?

Lowering myself into the warm water carefully, I groan as I sink into the silly bubbles Rory insisted on. I lean back slowly, allowing my skin to adjust to the odd fizzing around me and the temperature he set. “Rory and Thad would think so little is deserving; they’re both very soft despite their muscled guy-ness.I can see them talking Elias and Huck into it. But Sebastian? He’s all sharp edges and disdain, yet he was the one who spoke up.”

Obviously, the empty room doesn’t answer, so I reach up and undo my braid to give my scalp a little relief. I sigh again as the tight hair-do is released and I’m fully able to relax. My eyes close as I replay the day, still puzzling out what might have triggered their offer. I’m fairly certain I’m the biggest pain in the ass of the entire group for so many reasons, and they’re constantly having to deal with my bullshit. That was fine when it was just Huck, Thad, and me, but it feels different now that there are three more people who didn’t choose my bullshit as their load.

“You can only do your best, Sydney,” I murmur to myself as I let the atmosphere and the bath calm my jangling nerves. “If you’re trying, it doesn’t matter if you stumble occasionally. The effort counts and that’s important.”

My father used to say that when he'd run me through the paces and I’d fail to come up with any magic—which was worse than because I didn’t even randomly do shit, I just fizzled out. With the discovery that most of his teachings and behavior were abnormal, it’s strange that I’m thinking about aphorisms he used to use with me. But brains are strange and emotions are unpredictable and… This damn relaxing bath thing is making me soften like butter in the microwave.

I wonder if that’s why they were so eager to let me prune up? They figured I’d be less bitchy?

It makes as much sense as anything else, but I’m uncertain I believe it. Huck and Thad have put up with my moody shit for years; they wouldn’t play into some scam the others dreamed up if it was negative. Possibilities race through my mind and I draw in a slow breath, then blow it slowly as I sink further into the water. My muscles are relaxing and the aches from earlier are ebbing as I lie back in the serene setting Rory created.

“It’s probably about the freaking period,” I muse. “Men are really squicked out by that, and even though Huck took me, they were all there when Mr. Sensitive Nose scented my problem before I knew about it. They’re probably just doing this because I’m a fragile woman with bloody shorts and they think I have to be coddled because of it. Yeah, that’s gotta be it.”

I wrinkle my nose in irritation as I decide that has to be their motivation. Knowing why makes me realize they’ve talked about the damn incident and, for a moment, my Zen fades as my temper flares. But my eyes are closed, and the room is quiet, so I inhale deeply and push that anger away like the guys have suggested. Even if they discussed the stupid failure of my previous implant, they weren’t doing it to be jackasses. They probably just wanted to make sure I’m okay.

Right?

Again, there’s no answer to my mental meanderings, and I growl softly. The mage was right when he said it helps to talk shit out to someone who can respond rather than bitching to myself with no affirmation. I’m not sure how he’s wriggled his way so far into my head and my damn personal space, but I have to admit he’s accurate with such an unerring frequency that it's spooky.

Hell, he’s even right about this stupid bath—not that I’m going to tell him when I go out there.

WE’RE ORDERING THE SAMPLER PLATTER

RORY

I didn’t really thinkthe vampire’s idea would work, especially given our girl’s resistance to anything that might mark her as ‘weaker’ in her mind. But it did, and now I’m so full of kinetic energy that I don’t know what to do with it. The others are looking at me like I’ve lost my marbles and maybe I have—but this is ourchance. Getting Sydney relaxed enough to be comfortable and bond a bit rather than have her hackles up is a big step towards the unity I can feel in my bones is coming someday.

With her consent and approval, of course, because I haveneverbeen that kind of guy, nor will I be now.

“Okay, sports fans, listen up,” I say as I clap my hands. “We’ve had a few conversations about protecting Sydney and helping her, but we all need to be real fucking honest right now. I mean, with ourselves and each other; otherwise, this will go south quickly and it will be forever fucked. Got it?”

The vampire’s expression is droll, but he nods. “What, pray tell, are you babbling about, mage?”

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