Page 26 of Let Us Prey

Plus, I haven’t had a lot of time to practice since I arrived. I’m not ready to share my compositions with my friends, and while I know Fitz would listen, I don’t want him to feel obligated to praise me ifI suck. Lucille was so critical of my music that I learned to keep this piece of my heart sheltered because, if it broke, I don’t know if I’d have survived it. I can’t imagine how bad it would hurt to have someone I’m coming to value tell me I’m terrible—or worse, pretend I’mnotjust to save my feelings.

If that happened, I’d have to enter the Predation Protection Program like a stool pigeon, so I could start an entirely new identity. I couldn’t bear having the one creative outlet I’ve used to combat my loneliness and depression become the thing that drives anyone else away.

My vision narrows as the bunny fights its way to the surface again, and I groan. I just don’t have the spoons to figure out what the hell it wants with me. I’m still coming to grips with being here at Apex with a campus full of enemies. Closing my eyes, I give in briefly, using the ingrained senses of my inner prey animal to listen, scent, and feel if there’s a presence in the theater I can’t see. When it passes muster, I push the bunny back in the box and head to the piano on stage.

My eyes take in the majesty of the instrument like a child in a toy store. The Steinway D-274 concert grand is one of the most expensive models they could purchase, and it glistens like a crown jewel in the bright stage lighting. I’ve never played something so rich and luxurious looking, and I’m a little intimidated, to be honest. I slowly walk around the curve of the piano, trailing my fingertips over the lacquer case as I go.

Am I worthy of something so valuable?

I don’t know, but nothing good comes from being scared. I learned that lesson the hard way last spring. If I’d made a stand with Lucille, the Heathers, or even Todd sooner, maybe my emergence wouldn’t have been the catastrophe it was. Maybe I would have found someone who actually gave a shit about me before my animal appeared, rather than a bunch of assholes who used the event to destroy me.

Maybe I’m not that girl anymore…

Deciding not to let a beautiful hunk of sugar pine, maple, spruce, and Swedish steel scare me, I plop down on the bench and use my phone to pull up my sheet music. I’d rather have my notebook since this screen is small and I won’t be able to make notations, but I didn’t bring my messenger bag to the Leo this morning. That’s probably good, because I bet those bitches who stole my clothes would have done worse with my personal items.

I lift the cover off the keyboard, gliding my fingers over the enameled spruce lovingly as I do. One day, I’ll own something as beautiful as this, even if I suck rocks at songwriting. When I’m in a proper home, no one will care if I stink or if I’m a T. Swift in the making. That’s how real love works, right?

Geez, Dolly. Get a grip.

Me and my infinite sadness will attract none of the sexy professors I’m lusting after. No one likes a bitter bunny, I tell myself as I stretch my fingers. A few more internal admonishments and warm-up exercises later, and I have the feel of the strikes and the balance rail—ready to play more complex pieces now that I’ve got the mechanics of this baby down.

The intro to my latest piece is a lilting sonata, and I close my eyes, my body swaying while I follow the rhythm of the prelude. When I reach the first verse, I sing softly along with the rich sounds of the piano echoing off the acoustics.

Torrents and waves crash every day

carrying me out to sea

Don’t know the way

Don’t know what to say

For you to be kind to me

I sigh as I play through the pre-chorus, sadness enveloping my heart again. I hate them all, but can’t help wondering why it was so easy to cast me aside. Am I so worthless that even thepeople who are supposed to love me—like my own parents—can’t? Isthatwhy I was cursed to be prey?

My heart is my guide. I wear it outside,

but I hide what you do to me

The words you say

The thoughts they convey

Pain makes it hard to breathe

If that’s true, if I’m truly such a burden to bear, then why did Luc help me by giving me a job and financial freedom? Why did Mattie always try to protect me? Why was I able to make friends this summer and why has Fitz followed me around since I arrived at Apex? Some obviously think I’m worthy of their attention, so why couldn’t my former friends and family?

Apologies sweet, the cycle complete

I’m drowning in misery

You bruise and you scrape

There is no escape

I don’t know why you can’t see

I don’t understand what I did to deserve the chaos my life has become, but I know I can’t wallow in my own tears forever. I have to stand up for myself, and that starts with making the people who hurt me pay for their misdeeds. It doesn’t matter why they treated me poorly or what reasons they thought they had—there’s always a choice, and they chose wrong. Even if it destroys me, I’m going to make every single person who has broken my heart into pieces pay for their crimes.

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