Page 87 of Kandie Shoppe

“I left a letter to give y’all, but when my beautiful boy came to me and asked, I knew I had the chance to be brave for once, just like his daddy.” Grasping my hand, she gives it a squeeze in a surprisingly strong grip.

“Okay.” I smile at her, trying and failing not to cry. I can’t believe Ulysses has been coming to see his mom like this every day.

“First of all, I’m sorry what I did cost y’all all this time being together. And it did —” She looks me squarely in the eye. “Not because I didn’t think you were good enough or anything like that, so don’t even think that. I knew y’all were perfect for each other. But I had to keep him away from this place and his daddy’s family. The mess of that family runs deep, so deep. We were so entangled in it that Hezekiah could never see his way free of it. When he got free of one thing, then another wouldcrop up. Those kids—” she drifts off for a moment, anguish eating away at her expression. “After they died so bravely, after he made me promise — promise not to ever let you be lured into any of the your uncle’s dealings. I encouraged you to go to the service. I was okay with never seeing you again if it meant you were free of that evil legacy. Then you came and for two weeks I saw you happier than I have ever seen you in my life.” Letting my hand go, she reaches for her son, who covers both of hers in his strong hands. I can see he wants to protect her from her own words.

“I knew it was different between y’all. Knew it was useless to stop it. I knew you would come back if there was any hope.” Then she turns, shining sad eyes on me. “I knew you would never leave, especially after Nikki showed up.” A grimace covers her thin face. Exhaustion follows.

“Hezekiah and I knew his days were numbered the moment he married me over the girl they hand-picked for him. Me turning up pregnant was the only thing that spared my life because I had a Shelby heir in me. He was a constant thorn in Mathias Sr.’s side. I heard Mathias say that he’d have two sons once Hezekiah was out of the picture. I couldn’t let that happen. I wouldn’t.” Relaxing back, she eyes her son with so much pride shining in her eyes. “Your daddy would be so proud of the man you have become, Ulysses. Never, ever doubt that.” He bows over her hand.

“Kandie, I’m sorry I kept him from you, but I hope one day you can forgive me. I — just didn’t see any other way.” Her words break in a sob. I see the rest in her eyes. Let her rest. Let her have this moment with her son. Let it end here. I tell myself as sorrow beats its own heartbeat in my chest.

My face crumbles as I nod. “There is nothing to forgive,” I whisper, looking down at my tightly clasped hands. I’ve long ago taken responsibility for myself.

“I’m glad he has you.” I look up at her shining eyes. “Someone who loves him in a way the Shelbys can’t ruin. I can meet his daddy with a smile on my face.”

“Yes, ma’am.” I can feel Ulysses’ eyes on me. I know he’s thinking I’m humoring her. I wish I was.

Marlene Cox Shelby,Sheriff Emeritus of Shelby-Love, was delivered into the merciful arms of Jesus with her son, Sheriff Ulysses Shelby, and Kandie Love, owner of The Kandie Shoppe Bakery by her side.

Tossing the paper aside. I get out of Pa-Pete’s truck going over to the graveside. Trudging up the hill, my stomach feels sick as hell. I’d been doing good, so good. That night after Marlene’s revelation, I stayed with Ulysses as he waited for the Weatherly Funeral Home to arrive and take Marlene. She passed away in her sleep as we sat beside her. When he realized she wasn’t just sleeping, I stood to hold him. U dropped his head into my belly and wept. We just stood like that with me stroking his blond locks as his shoulders shook. I don’t know how much time passed before he stood with eyes bloodshot to call in the staff.

I didn’t say any of the dumb shit like she’s no longer suffering or she’s in a better place. I know better than anyone how hollow and useless those words are in the throes of grief. Sure, she’s not suffering, but he wants his mom back, no different than me.

People part, letting me by so that I can come stand beside him and the flag-draped coffin. Ulysses is dressed in his formal attire, epaulets gleaming, pristine white gloves on his hands. Mathias is on the other side. My family surrounds him, along with the Takeda brothers. Further back his cousins, Jackson andJericho stand in silent support of their cousin, the only other Shelby’s present.

Interlacing my fingers with his, I ignore the queasiness of my stomach. I look on unfocused on anything other than the strong firm clasp of Ulysses’ strong hand holding mine.

Some people would call what I’ve been doing a going on a bender. I call it self-care. Between the Remy and the Cooper and Thief I’ve been ensconced in a comfy cloud of oblivion. Marlene had all her arrangements made well in advance. Ulysses didn’t have to do anything other than sign papers.

“To the last, she was always looking out for me,” he told me the other day with anguish ripping through every word as we went through, confirming all the arrangements she made in advance.

I could do nothing but nod. The feelings I had, both good and bad, emotions tangle up inside of me. I knew I could freely express them without causing him more pain.

Yes, she looked out for him, but in the process, she cost us the future we could have had. I don’t know how to tell him that when there is still more he doesn’t know.

Pastor Burrell goes into a soul-stirring sermon about Marlene’s life of service marrying it beautifully to the various people who suffered and carried on ending by taking it to the cross and opening the service to any who wanted to commit their life to the Lord.

There are no takers, mostly because everyone present was already a member of the Second Baptist Church or the First Baptist Church on the Shelby side of the county.

Officers step to either side of the casket and take the flag and fold it. Deputy Davies steps forward, his face in a somber cast, handing the folded flag to Ulysses. I glance up, noticing how his eyes harden when he looks at me. I return his look with a steady one of my own. Gone is that little girl he chased down like anerrant puppy he needed to pull up by their scuff. I’m a grown, responsible woman, a businesswoman. He can judge me all he wants. They all can. I’m still here.

After he takes the flag, he tucks it under his arm and takes my hand again after having to release it to formally receive the honor for his mom’s life. Together, we watch as the officers line up and give a twenty-one gun salute.

The day is bright and sunny. There are flowers budding around the graves. The pleasantness of the day stands in deep contrast of the event taking place. I almost wish that the sky would open, blanketing us with a torrent of rain to match the despair that not only Ulysses is feeling, but the whole town. But maybe this is the best way to honor a woman like Marlene — with a sunny send-off. She raised a good man, and she showed kindness to so many lost kids like me. Instead of throwing us in juvenile, she put us with mentors to set us on a different path. I see a lot of those kids, who are now grown now, filing out behind us as we head back to our cars.

“Hey, the repast will be at the Shelby Country Club,” he says when we come to a stop at the truck. I nod, not wanting him to really see me. I hurried to put make-up on trying to cover any blotchiness and even iced my face to get rid of the puffiness that comes from drinking too much.

“I’ll follow you over.” I don’t mention that I’ll probably be late because I need to retch. Exhaling, I have my hand on the door lever when he grips my shoulders, turning me to him. I dip my head like a guilty child.

“Hey.” The softness of his voice slays me. His next words break me. “You okay, wildcat?”

I nod, lying. “It’s just hard seeing you upset.” Shame has my words sounding strange, almost garbled. I’m barely holding it together. Acid is hot in my chest, waiting to come forth.

“Kandie?” He wants me to meet his gaze. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t. I’m letting him down.

“Look at me.” He tilts my head up. His eyes search my face. I see the moment the disappointment sets in. He closes his eyes as if he’s in pain. Like I’m causing him pain. The exhale is so deep it’s like a shudder of revulsion.

“I’m sorry,” I eke out a whisper.

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