Page 89 of Kandie Shoppe

The rain actually comes after I’ve stood alone for a good long while. I finally let the tears I’ve been fighting flow, not worried anyone would see me crying over the same boy like I did all those years ago.

My soaked clothes have dried some by the time I trudge up the stairs to my loft. I wish I could say the heaviness I feel is from standing out in the cemetery, staring into nothing for hours.

The guilt and shame from keeping this secret from Ulysses has been a burden on my soul. He wanted to know what started my tipsy life challenge and all this time, I thought it was theabortion I had. It was the keeping it a secret from the man I love. A man I love and could never tell because I never felt I was worthy to do so while this secret loomed between us. I was drowning in my own despair for years, thinking that was what I deserved for not telling him. No matter what happens now, I am free of that secret. We may be over, but my story doesn’t end here. He may hate me, probably will for the rest of his life, but I don’t hate myself anymore.

The heaviest of sighs releases from deep within my solar plexus as I unlock my door. As soon I step across the threshold, a rush of nausea hits me. Rushing into the bathroom, I kneel over the toilet, heaving the contents of stale alcohol into the bowl. A shiver wracks my body as I spew and spew what seems like my very soul out.

“Such a naughty girl.” My head whips around to see Nathaniel standing in the doorway of my bathroom. He’s dressed in all black with a rope and zip ties hanging from his hand.

“Wha—” But I already know. I don’t have to ask the stupid question of why he’s here when it’s obvious. He’s the one who’s been stalking me, breaking into my house, destroying my things, and freaking off on my bed.

Weak and stumbling, I back up like I’m scared, but reach for a pair of sheers I use to snip my ends.

“Saw you and the sheriff break up at the funeral. Now that he’s out the way, you’re fair game. I let it slip. I saw you headed for the state store at the repast. No one is going to question you not showing up for a couple days. Then when folks come looking, you’ll be—” He shrugs his shoulders in a helpless manner.

He rushes me and I twist away tagging him good with the scissors.

“Bitch,” he roars, backhanding me so hard I careen almost twisting my ankle. My knee isn’t spared when it hits the concrete scarping it badly.

He crowds down on me from behind snatching my head back in a painfully awkward angle.

He covers my mouth and nose. “Go to sleep.” I fail and fight. Heaving back I smack my back hard into his face satisfied when I hear a crunch and a curse. Still his hand tightens, and I see stars before darkness descends.

Chapter

Twenty-Seven

Ulysses

“I’m a fucking idiot.”

“Yeah, you are,” Mathias says, looking down as he swirls the dark liquid in a crystal sniffer.

“So are we all,” Angel adds taking his hand roll before passing it to Kiyoshi, who looks at me silently for a long moment before taking a long drag before passing it to Mathias. I wave his offering away.

I never come into my father’s study. Not once since I came home since giving up my commission. This was his sanctuary. The place he escaped to when Mom’s drinking got worse — or so I thought. It wasn’t until she died a week ago that I came in here for more than a brief perusal to see all the evidence he’d been gathering on his family and the other prominent families. How they withheld passports of workers forcing them into the tantamount of slavery. How they used children for the sex trade. Dad had been compiling a vast array of evidence and because I never took the reins after he died they were left to go unchecked for more than a decade.

This isn’t what my cousin, his best friend, and newfound ally are talking about though. They are talking about how I reacted to Kandie’s revelation that she had an abortion when she thought I all but abandoned her. Correction when my mom made us believe we’d abandoned each other in a confused attempt to save me from being a Shelby. I don’t need them to tell me. By the time I reach the country club I knew I was on some bullshit. The only reason I didn’t leave immediately is because there were so many people who wanted to give their condolences and grieve with me. It’s not their fault I didn’t have my shit together and pushed away the one person who means more to me than anyone other than the one I buried today.

“Fuck.” I think back to the way her luminous eyes looked so bruised when I cut into her by her grandad’s ancient truck. The old man was looking like he’d blow my fucking chest open when I got to the country club. The entire Love clan was there for me because of her. Her not showing up was enough for most of them to leave en masse. I fucked up royally.

Thinking it best to let her cool off was the second mistake I made. I should have gone after her. Mathias, Angel, and Kiyoshi following me out the venue was a sign of support. The fact that any of them would leave their wives who are not only her cousins, but best friends is a sign of brotherhood I haven’t experienced since my Seal days.

“You think the worst thing is death. No. It’s when they leave your ass,” Kiyoshi says with a steady gaze on me. “I stood before a fire and her losing everything, promising her they would pay and she walked away. Let this be a lesson to you. Don’t fuck around and hurt her again.”

“It’s probably already too late.” For the first time in my life, I have to fight the urge to drink. I told her I didn’t want babies with her, for fuck’s sake. The way she looked. Grabbing my head I close my eyes remembering the anguish in her eyes rightbefore the dead animal carcass and Nikki’s disappearance had us focused on other events. Then to stand so self-righteously in front of her after she stood beside me all week after my mom’s death with the news of how she kept us apart fresh on her mind. Was I surprised she sought comfort the only way she could because she knew I was already exhausted and hurting? No. Then I punished her for it. I never should have asked a fucking question I wasn’t ready to hear the answer to. She’d been forced into that position because she was young and afraid. Instead of Mom calling or writing me, she chose to keep it a secret. That’s all kinds of fucked up. She’s not here to answer, and I had no business putting it all on Kandie.

I’ve just been hitting on all cylinders. “I have to go see her.”

“If she shoots or stabs your ass, you can’t put her in jail. You’re inciting her,” Angel says, drinking my father’s liquor and smoking weed in my house like I’m not the sheriff.

“Un-huh, just don’t leave my house a mess when you leave.” Grabbing my keys, I head out without another glance at the men who came to commiserate with me.

Stopping in the kitchen, I grab the box of letters Mom had tucked away in the bottom of Dad’s desk. I guess she thought I would use his office more, so she put them in a place where she thought I would find them.

I did most of my work at the sheriff’s office. My criminal activities were kept away from both places. Don’t shit where you sleep and all that.

I know immediatelysomething’s wrong when I get to Kandie’s loft. Taking the stairs three at a time, I push the open door wider.

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