Page 7 of Passion and Payback

“We’ll just call that flexibility and versatility.”

“Uh…sure.”

That seemed to stop the conversation, which was fine by me. I wasn't good at long conversations with people I didn’t know, and I could feel myself getting tired. It was a mix of dealing with people for too long, constant traveling, and anticipating what I would find when I finally arrived. Phone calls and the occasional video chat with Hunter didn’t give the full picture of what I was coming back to.

Hunter had always been good at hiding his pain. Most emotions were painted on his face in neon colors for even someone as dense as me to spot, but not when he was hurting. I also knew he had a bad habit of hiding things if he didn’t want to ‘bother’ me with his problems. Which I knew he had to be doing, but surely he had to know that even after two years, I realized he was still in pain.

I had seen and done plenty of things in the military. You didn’t frequently go on missions with special units without getting your hands dirty. There were things I’d seen that would haunt my dreams for years and things I’d done that would leave me wondering about my morality for the rest of my life. Yet there were horrors beyond my understanding; what had happened to Hunter and Lucas was one of those things.

How do you come back from that, even with time, to possibly heal the wound?

“So,” Erik piped up in the front seat, eyes flicking up to meet mine through the rearview mirror. “You said you’d been gone for a year. I’m guessing from the look of you and the bag…military?”

“Yeah.”

“But you’re not going to the fort?”

“No, I’m out now…for good.”

“Oh yeah? Looking to celebrate?”

“I guess.”

“I can’t tell if you’re happy about being out.”

“I…am.”

To call my feelings complicated would be massively underselling it. I had joined the military for a sense of purpose and guidance, to find a place that might give me a chance to do something meaningful and have a little structure. It had done all that and more despite the constant chaos that came with being on deployment. I had been a damn good soldier, a capable operative, and a solid leader. There had been so many differentmoments in the past ten years that I could look at and take pride in myself and a sense of accomplishment even when those successes were covered in blood.

Nothing in life lasted, though, even when you knew that reality could sneak up and surprise you. I wasn’t sure when it had started, but the past few years had been colored by the realization that I wasn’t getting the same pleasure or sense of accomplishment from what I did anymore. The days and nights grew longer, the training grew tiresome, and the missions became hollow and meaningless beyond following orders.

I had already seen what happened to men and women who went too long without realizing what was happening. Like the work, they became hollow and devoid of anything colorful or meaningful. Bitterness settled in and grew, and the next thing they knew, they were going through the motions. Life was no longer their own, and they just let it happen.

Maybe I’d have been there myself if it wasn’t for the horrific tragedy that came crashing down on Hunter. As I stood in a sand-blasted tent listening to Hunter choke out what happened, my gear soaked with sweat, tired and aching from the last mission, I realized there was no way I could continue. What had once brought me meaning and pride had become what kept me from living my life as a normal person.

But those were thoughts I couldn’t share with some random Uber driver who kept trying to eye fuck me through the rearview mirror.

“Got a girlfriend waiting for you?” he asked after a long pause. “Or boyfriend, for that matter.”

“No, don’t really date,” I said, looking out the window and watching the buildings grow taller as we approached downtown. “Too much trouble.”

“And now that you’re back?”

“I don’t know, maybe one day. Not now or anytime soon, though.”

“Ah, shame. Guy like you could probably snatch someone up really quick.”

“Not interested.”

“Still, a shame.”

Admittedly, I hadtrieddating, but it didn’t go well. Most people weren’t prepared to date someone who could disappear for months without contact. I’d only really tried it once, in my early years in the military, and once was all it took to learn my lesson and not repeat the mistake. I had no idea where Lena was now, but she probably still hated my guts after the disaster that was our almost marriage.

After her, I’d stuck to no strings attached or short-term arrangements and kept it as discreet as possible. Even my squad joked that I never seemed to get laid despite several offers. Most of them didn’t know I took up some of those offers, but only from people I was sure could keep their mouths shut. The short-term arrangements were generally with women, and the one-night stands were usually men. Relationships with women were ‘easy’ compared to being with a man. In fact, I’d never been tempted by the idea of a relationship with another guy.

With one exception.

“Oh, hey,” Erik said brightly as he pulled up to the curb. “I know this place!”

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