Page 99 of Passion and Payback

He stared at me. “That sounds...generic.”

I smirked. “And it’s by far the most well-known organization that totally doesn’t exist. Probably the biggest wetwork organization in the world, the most connected, and the most feared. But they’ve got codes of conduct, and they don’t screw around with their image.”

“I see,” he said. “And you...turned them down?”

“I turned them both down at the time because of the military. The alphabet boys because I told myself I didn’t want to work for the shadiest parts of the government, but it was another year before I realized that the military is just as bad. And if I was right about it being someone from The Company, I told myself I didn’t want to work for anyone but my country. Partially because I didn’t trust them, and partially because I felt I was still duty-bound to our country even if I was starting to get a little worn down.”

“But now your contract is up...your duty is over.”

“And here I am, helping you as much as possible.”

“We both know I wouldn’t have been able to get to Mitchell on my own,” he said as he dumped the contents of the pan into a bowl and turned toward the tortillas to warm in another pan. “If it wasn’t for your connections, I wouldn’t have realized he could be moved on. And if it hadn’t been for your ability to fight, I would have been dead when I tried...or worse.”

“You handled Damon pretty expertly,” I told him, not begrudgingly admitting it so much as still a little taken aback by how well he’d done on his own. “You managed to remove a witness without causing a mess, got to him without alerting anyone of danger, and took him down before he could present a true threat to you.”

Hunter was quiet as he flipped a tortilla. “It’s weird. That sounds great, and part of me is even prouder after hearing that from you. The other part, though, is...confused and a little scared by it. Because you’re right, I handled that well and did what I set out to do. I don’t know how to feel about planning that, more or less putting the plan into action perfectly, dealing with a possible hiccup, and leaving no mess behind.”

“Well, not to beat the dead horse, but that other part of you? That’s the one that has me worried about you.”

“Am I supposed to be horrified by what I’m turning into? Accepting? Or just confused?”

“You’re going to be confused for a while,” I said softly. “There’s been a lot happening and a lot to take in. Nothing we’ve been doing is going to be easy for someone in your position. This is a whole new world. You’re dealing with shit most people don’t have to deal with, and those that do? Well, most people aren’t like you, and you don’t want to be like them or deal with them.”

“People like...the dealer?” he asked with a wrinkle of his nose.

“Precisely. What you’re experiencing is the final loss of innocence. That doesn’t make you wrong or bad or anything like that.”

“Some might argue otherwise.”

“Then those people are either just like the fuckers we’re dealing with, enablers, or people who are ignorant to how bad humanity can be and how much those bad elements need to be pruned, or they poison everything around them.”

He made sure every bit of food was put away, including the stack of warmed tortillas placed under a lid to keep them warm, but I could see from the thoughtful expression on his face that it was automatic. “This is...the first time you’ve ever expressed...I don’t want to say support because you’ve supported me the whole time. But it’s...the belief that we’re doing what’s right, that’s what was missing before.”

I sighed. “Because I didn’t want to sway you. I wanted you to work through things on your own and figure it out on your terms. Me? I’ve always been harsher than you, more judgmental, more willing to let hard things happen to bad people and not feel the slightest twinge of guilt or regret.”

“You weren’t saying that when you told me about killing your first person.”

“There’s a difference between being harder and being sociopathic. Killing another human being is hard, even when it’s justified, even when it’s your life or theirs. That’s built into the human psyche. It takes a fucked-up life or a fucked-up head to do something like that the first time and feel nothing,” I told him. “You’ve only done it a few times, so there’s still plenty left in you that’s rebelling. It’s up to you to figure out how much it’s changing you.”

“I don’t want to become like them,” he said quietly, bowing his head.

“Your options aren’tjust‘retain that innocence’ or ‘become a sadistic monster,’” I told him, finally getting up from the counter to put my hand over his. “You also get a whole multitude of other options. I might be less bothered by all the violence and killing than you, and I believe we’re doing the right thing and will never doubt that. But that doesn’t mean I get pleasure from killing or hurting people or that I want to go out and do it to more people.”

“Yet here you are, helping me,” he said, a frown etched into his face.

“I’m helping you bring down monsters that the ‘right’ way couldn’t touch, and I don’t regret that for a moment. I would support you if you kept going beyond just this.”

He looked up, eyes wide. “What?”

I gave him a grim smile. “There’s a lot of trash in this world that needs to be taken out. But just like these pricks, they’re allowed to sit and rot, poisoning everything around them instead of being dealt with properly. My whole career was devoted to doing that, and sometimes, I couldn’t always be sure I was doing the right thing. But this? This is the first time in a long time that I feel like what I’m doing not only matters but is important and objectively a good thing.”

“I’m so compelled to point out that people might see it differently, but?—”

“Do you remember that god-awful movie you forced me to watch?”

He blinked in confusion and then smiled a little. “You’ll have to narrow it down.”

“Huh?”

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