Page 33 of Pen Me

Monogamy

Must be patient and supportive

Knows how to navigate my family

That last one is asking a lot, since I'm still mastering that myself, and I’ve been at it for how many years now?

Have you seen my brother up there? The police picked him up last night, I ‘m not sure if they spat him out or kept him. They found cocaine in the car he was riding in. This is why I never wanted my brother following in dad’s footsteps. I can’t imagine him going away to prison. He’s my baby brother. He’s just a kid. I wish it weren’t true, or that I could go back in time and insist he come here to visit instead of being in that car.

Mostly, I just wish he’d let me in.

Anyway, enough of all that. I hate getting lost in that well of feelings and thoughts. Trying to share with others is exhausting. I’d need a diagram to help anyone understand all the baggage and nuances behind my feelings. I can’t talk to my best friend, Maelyn. She’d just tell me to cut out everyone and anyone who disturbs my peace or brings me stress. She’s very direct like that. It isn’t like I can talk to my co-workers, either. They’d eventually start to wonder if I was involved in all the chaos and fuckery, too. So, I stew on it all.

Shit, sorry!

Uhm, Nyx… I liked all of it, but I liked the auditory details in the nasty parts. Yep. Gold. I also liked that he only unleashed his monster to keep other monsters in line. He was redeemable. Can I add cock piercings to the list of requirements? That is the Nyx inspired, new requirement!

Sammy

Rather than put it in the mailbox, where I’d be able to hobble out and retrieve it another half-dozen times, I walked it to the drop box at the post office a few streets over.

For all my procrastination I was suddenly hurled into the third ring of hell. It wasn’t even dusk, the mail didn’t even get picked up until tomorrow, but I was already antsy, and eager to hear from him. My determination to use him as a venting source and distraction had been long broken, there was no way of denying that, even if I didn’t know when it had happened.

I was lonely, and his was the only conversation and company that I ached for.

I didn’t even know what to make of that.

And what the hell good were those feelings anyhow? We were just flirting. Why did I give a shit if he laughed or thought my words witty or provocative enough to inspire a similar response back.

It didn’t matter the reason, my brain still churned and turned only to land on him another dozen times.

“Fuck.” I groaned, as I flopped from side to side as the alarm clock seemed to slow and time stood still.

I could go see him.

It was silly not to. He was right there. I could walk to the county jail from my house, if I wanted.

I gnawed my lip and wondered what it would require. What would I say to him? Would he even accept the visit?

There was only one way to tell…

That single thought made me smile and tear up all at once. I didn’t realize how alone I was, until I was lying in bed craving the time and attention of a stranger who had already made his feelings plain.

He did not see women while he was locked up.

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