Page 75 of Pen Me

“No. I was thinking I’d use Rumi’s laptop to shoot Henny a message on our way out the door.” I hefted one shoulder, not really sure what other options we had in helping them.

She gnawed on her lip and seemed deep in thought, so I left the mushrooms, washed my hands and went to her.

“Talk to me,” I whispered, gently bumping her nose with mine.

She shook her head like she was chasing away bad thoughts, “It’s just that– People on the news. They always get caught in transition, you know? Remember that lady guard who ran for it with her inmate? I’m pretty sure their adventure ended in a police pursuit and a wreck.”

“We’re not them people,” I lamely countered.

“You said it was safe here, I’m just– Confused?”

“I thought we were. The spot is sound enough, but there are a lot of variables I can’t control or predict. Any one of which could lead to things popping off and people getting stuck in the middle. I can’t risk that. We’re going.”

Her gaze dropped to my chest, and she adjusted her arms to hug me a bit more snuggly, “Just– promise me if they take you alive, you won’t push me away?”

She might as well have spoken in tongues. I heard her well enough, but the way my whole being churned those words around, trying to decipher and make sense of them, left me numb and quiet.

I thought we’d been over this. I thought she understood and accepted the reality of things.

“Menace?”

“Hm?” I blinked finally.

“You know. What you said, about how you don’t do relationships when you’re inside. It’s too late for all of that. You don’t get to hand my heart back just because things don’t go as planned.”

I huffed, unable to help it, but I dropped my head and brought it up with a smile fixed just for her. I hauled her toward me and kissed her crown.

“I could never push you away,” I finally managed, and it was honest enough.

I fucking loved her. I didn’t know how, or when it happened. I didn’t even know how I felt about admitting such feelings to myself. Yet, I couldn’t deny that she’d just told me I had her heart, and for the first time in my life, such sentiments didn’t make me want to hurl it back at the girl and run.

And yet, for completely different reasons…

It did.

She was in love with me. She wasn’t going to stand back and watch me walk to my death. She was a fucking marine. Didn’t they believe in no man left behind? What the fuck was I thinking?

She was gonna end up dead with me!

What if I did entertain this dream of hers? What did that shit look like? Me sitting in a damn cell, as a person who had killed a correctional officer and a mafia assassin. I wouldn’t be sitting long… Or maybe I would. Maybe they’d torture me every day, until right before I was supposed to walk out. Where did that leave her? Sitting at home pining after me for thirty years or better? Letting her youth and life slip by while she found smiles through pen and paper?

Fuck. That.

She was better than that!

She deserved better than me.

As much as the thought killed me, a little part of me suddenly wished she had been on Griz’s bike. Griz would keep her safe. He was a sniper, too, back in the day, she’d probably really have liked that.

I stroked her hair and pushed my thoughts aside, for now, but I knew I had to do something. Even if I let the police take me out, rather than in, would the mob accept that being the end of it? What if Sammy went home to her dad and the mob continued to gun for the Dirty Savages, would she be caught in the middle long after I was gone?

I’d really fucked this shit up. Auggie was right!

Chapter Thirty-Six

Full Disclosure

Sammy

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