Page 24 of Disco Fever

“Dante, do something!”

Kat.

My fingers clawed at the water, fighting death as it tried to pull me down. I didn’t know what had come over me, but I didn’t want to go. Not yet. I wasn’t ready.

Kat!

My lungs burned, screaming for air as I gasped and reached, gripping the end of my soul. I yanked it so hard, trying to ascend back to the surface.

Please—

The feel of hot air hit my mouth and rushed into my lungs, again and again.

“Again!” Kat shouted as the feeling returned. The air soured through me, lifting me higher through the darkness. “Again!”More air filled me and suddenly I heard a distant and faint heartbeat. My heartbeat.

Cold water hit my face, soaking me as I slowly settled back into my body. My skin was on fire, my stomach twisted and filled with the most revolting contents. I began to cough, my hearing slowly returning. Someone lifted my torso as I opened my heavy eyes and vomited, expelling the poison from inside me, my life slowly returning.

“Dot!” Kat cried, pulling my hair back as I continued to regurgitate my stomach. I had never felt so sick, my body burning yet freezing, all at the same time. I trembled and shook, tears mixing with the cold water as it soaked into my flesh.

“Angel,” Dante’s raspy and hoarse voice hit my back as I realized he was behind me, sitting in the shower, holding my body up. He rubbed my back gently, the two helping me as I continued to throw up.

“Jesus, Dot, we thought we lost you there for a moment.” Kat sniffled, telling me she must’ve been crying.

“You really scared us,” Dante whispered, delicately hugging me.

I spat the acidic vomit from my mouth as my fingers felt like they were being pricked with needles, still shivering and hating everything I was experiencing.

“For a moment, you did.”

12

DOT

What I appreciated mostabout my current situation with Kat and Dante was the tender care and support they offered me. Deep down, I wanted to be done with the drugs as much as they wanted me to be. I hated feeling trapped and controlled by the addiction. It was a monster I could never shed from my back, haunting me at all times of the day no matter what, and I had fallen prey to it. I always scratch that sick itch even when I didn’t need or want it, but my body craved it. I would feel like dying without it and my brain would be flooded with a darkness that ate away at my sanity until I finally gave in and soothed the beast. It was killing me, leaving me disgusted with who I had become. Especially after everything that happened the other night.

I couldn’t even think about that night without reliving the all too recent events and feeling that raw pain. It was beyond excruciating and overwhelming, haunting me with the images of the few things I did remember. They flashed behind my lids every time I closed my eyes. Taunting me with their gross recollection. The burden of that night, and knowing how much worry and pain I caused my devils, was too much. I just wanted to curl into a ball and cry myself from existence. I may not haveremembered much from that night, but they did. And I made them tell meeverything. Every single sick detail. Every harsh truth of what I did or didn’t do. I wanted to know everything. I needed to know just how much of a fucking fool I made of myself, and how I had not only embarrassed them, but hurt them.

Fuck, how could I be so stupid?!

I sat on my couch, thankful this was all happening at home. Inmysafe space. Kat made me promise when we got here that I would tell them where all of my stashes were, all the places I hid coke, even the mini stashes of pills I had tucked around the apartment. And I did.

Kat and Dante followed my every word and instruction and tore the apartment apart. They found and cleared out all the drugs, ensuring there were no more left. Not even an aspirin. I knew this wasn’t going to be easy, and maybe subconsciously, that’s why I kept putting it off and making excuses. But I had to do it. For them.

Kat told Patty that I was getting clean and she was thrilled. I think she said her exact words were, “Thank fucking christ.” Apparently, Patty had been covering for me at Eden’s Inferno, but I was feeling guilty and I missed her. And oddly, I missed dancing.

I sipped the hot chamomile tea, wrapped in a faded quilt, when I heard the light footfalls of someone coming down the hallway behind me. Dante gently placed his hands on my shoulders. “How are you feeling, angel? Can I get you anything?” He rubbed my shoulders and gently massaged them, relieving the tension that had gradually built over the last few days. I closed my eyes and soaked in the attention, allowing, if only for just this moment, to not feel the heavy weight of sadness and regret that had taken over me since I stopped using.

“Honestly, Dante, I just want to feel happy again. How do you do it? How do you feel so alive and genuinely happy without using? It’s been so long since I felt it… I’m scared I’ll never feel happy again. Like it’s impossible.” That was honestly how I felt right now. Bubbles was gone. And I was just Dot. Fuck, Dot was gone too. Now, I was just Luanne… again. Boring, sad, weak, pathetic Luanne.

“Dottie, you will feel happy again, I promise you. You don’t need drugs for that. It may feel impossible and like it’ll never happen, but I promise it will. It just takes time. It’s only been a couple days. Give yourself a break. Hell, I think you’re doing amazing. Way better than I ever did.” He walked around the couch to face me. I knew I must have looked like a hot mess. My hair was ratty, and I hadn’t showered in days—I just didn’t have the energy. I didn’t feel pretty or worth his attention. I felt ugly and gross. Unworthy. Immediately, I looked away from him, refusing to look into his beautiful dark eyes… even if I knew he could see just how horribly fucked up I was. He sighed faintly and placed his hands on my thigh. “Hey. Look at me, angel. I know this isn’t going to be easy. I’ve been right where you are and felt it all myself. But you have me and you have Kat. And we won’t let you fail. We are going to support you every step of the way. No matter what, Dottie. Wings or no wings, you will always be our little angel.” He gently cupped my face and forced me to look up at him. Tears burned my eyes, seeing him look at me with such endearment and devotion. His deep brown eyes swirled like pools of chocolate I wanted to dive into. I didn’t deserve him. I didn’t deserve either of them. They were too good for me. And I loved them more for it.

Wet warmth trailed down my cheeks to his hands. I didn’t expect to start crying, but then again, my emotions were all over the goddamn place. Dante swiped away my tears with his thumbs. He took my now cold tea from me and set it on thecoffee table. “Come here, angel.” He moved to sit sideways on the couch, slouched, with his back against the armrest. “Lay here with me.” He patted his bare chest, and I obeyed, readjusting to snuggle between his legs, lying on his toned stomach. “Everything you’re feeling is normal, I promise. But don’t think you need to hide anything from me or from Kat. Trust me. We’ve seen it all, Kat more than me. She helped me get clean off this shit too.” His fingers gently stroked my messy hair. “We are kindred spirits, angel. All three of us. Never forget that.”

As I snuggled there with Dante, I couldn’t help but think about how badly I wanted to use. How my body shook and burned to feel the drug as it slithered through my blood and soothed my soul. It was miserable denying myself that toxic treat. But I knew it was wrong. I wanted a hit, and I felt guilty about it. I curled deeper into his chest, my brain spinning a million miles an hour, hyper focused on what I wanted and couldn’t have. As if convincing myself it was okay to use would solve everything.

Just one more would be okay, right? No, no! You don’t need it. You don’t need it.

My nails dug into his skin as I eventually fell asleep on Dante, crying, thinking about how great it would feel to be high one more time, followed by the immediate hatred and regret for even thinking such a thing.

---