Page 25 of Disco Fever

Sleeping had becomea foreign concept to me, invading me at the worst time and overtaking me when I didn’t want it. It wasanother cycle I needed to break… one day. But not today. Today, I just wanted this sweet moment with Dante to last forever.

Dante’s adorable light snores were something I wanted to capture and keep forever. They were soothing, but I was restless. And no matter how much I loved the sound, I couldn’t lay there anymore. As I carefully eased off the couch, I removed the blanket and covered him up with my quilt. He had settled in so well on the couch, looking comfortable and at home here in my space. It suited him. And I was ready for Kat to be in my space as well to see what this all looked like, the three of us together here, even if it was just a wild fantasy I was playing out in my head.

My apartment was large, thanks to my constant flow of tips at the club. There was more than enough space for the three of us here. Dante had already tidied everything during the first chunk of my detox. It almost felt weird having nothing to do, so as I wandered around to try and find something—anythingto keep me busy, but I kept coming up short. My fingertips were tingling and my brain was aching—pulsating with each minute that passed. I felt hot and uncomfortable in my own skin. The overwhelming urge for a hit was coming in waves and those waves were crashing, harder and harder each time, closer to one another than the last. I felt such anxiety and dread refusing my bodily needs. I had to find something to do.

Busy yourself, Dot. Find something… anything!

Dante was still sleeping soundly on the couch, and I didn’t want to wake him with my problems. I felt guilty enough with him here babysitting me. I wanted to move as far away as possible to avoid making too much noise. Thankfully, my bedroom was in the back of the apartment and it was there that I found myself a task: organizing all of my lingerie. The bonus of being a dancer at a strip club, like Eden’s Inferno, is that I had a plethora of lingerie. So this task kept me busy as I forcefully removed every single piece and refolded and organized themby color and material. Once that was done, I had moved on to my personal vanity and started reorganizing my overwhelming amount of makeup, but that’s where I fucked up. So much of my coke had been hidden in compacts and old hollowed lipstick tubes. Opening those bags, seeing the missing pieces, was a harsh reminder of the shit I had gotten myself into, and how fucking hard all of this was. As I sat there, I couldn’t help but stare at my sparkly pink eyeshadows and shimmery glosses, remembering how great it felt to be high at Eden’s Inferno, performing for the crowds. How the lights flashed and strobed and the music beating in my bones guiding me through my dance. Everything was so euphoric.

The longer I sat there reminiscing, the angrier I got. I hated this person I had become, so obsessed with living in the highs and nearly ruining the best thing to ever happen to me.

You’re a fucking mess. Look at you! Look at what you’ve become, what you’ve done!

My hands squeezed the many makeup compacts in my grasp, my arms trembling as Juan’s voice entered my head and began to taunt me.

Look at what you’ve become.His laugh echoed in my brain. Bet you wish you would’ve stayed with me. I could have given you all the drugs you wanted, Luanne.

“Get out of my head!” I groaned. “Stop! Please, leave me alone!” I threw the handfuls of makeup at the wall, screaming. Glitter, sparkles, and dull pink shimmer floated everywhere like a cloud of cotton candy. “Fuck!” I cried. Tears streamed down my face as makeup settled around me, coating my skin. Before I knew it, Dante had appeared and immediately had me wrapped in his warm, strong arms.

“Shhh…it’s okay. You’re okay, angel.” His soothing words did anything but soothe me in that moment.

“No, I’m not. I’m not okay, Dante!” I snapped, my temper throwing him off. “I’m so fucked up. How did I let it get to this point? Why am I like this?!” My voice cracked. I was fighting more and more tears, all the negative emotions flooding my body, boiling to the surface. Dante just hugged me tighter. He didn’t say a word but refused to let me go. Somehow, knowing exactly what I needed, even when I had no clue myself.

“Thank you,” I breathed into him.

13

DOT

The bathtub was empty,the cold porcelain seeping through my clothes. Yes, I was fully clothed, sitting in the empty bath. It was my escape. I had lost count of the number of breakdowns I had over the last couple days. Kat and Dante took turns being with me, helping me through this detox, and I was starting to feel embarrassed. Like a fucking burden. But I also knew there was no way I could have survived this without them. I needed them, and that idea of relying so heavily on them weighed even more on me than the distant craving to snort an entire line of coke. And I hated myself more for it.

Kat and Dante left every now and then, usually only one at a time, so that there was always someone here with me. But they had business to take care of. Deals that needed to be made, and it worried me. I would sit and wait, anxiously picking at my nails until they would return. When they did leave, Patty would come over and stay with me. She doted on me with such love and care, like a mother, ensuring I had everything I needed and never felt alone. She noticed my new behaviors and would try to give me little manicures to help, but the thoughts of worry remained until I saw my devils walk through that door.

Our evenings had become very domestic between the three of us. I was getting used to being with my devils on the couch at night, watching shitty tv and eating frozen dinners or take out. Even if it was only temporary, it was nice. The couch in the evenings had become our sweet sanctuary, breaking from the sad reality. Over time, I had slowly improved, and while I still didn’t feel like Bubbles, I was happy to be with them in those moments. Even if they were fleeting.

The latest episode of Dallas played on the small television when a knock sounded on the front door. The three of us stiffened, unsure of who was at the door. “I got it,” Dante announced. He had to lift my legs off of his lap so that he could get off the couch. I snuggled in closer to Kat as we continued watching our favorite show, on edge as we listened to Dante answer the door. Two sets of footsteps sounded from the front of the apartment as Dante returned, shadowed by someone else. “Patty brought us a sweet surprise!” Kat and I immediately eased as she stepped around him.

“Just a little something, nothing big.” Patty physically couldn’t come over without bringing something hearty to snack on. She was always so prepared and so sweet.

“Patty, that is an entire pineapple upside down cake,” I said, smirking. “Like an entire fucking cake.”

“Yeah, well, consider it a pre-birthday treat, Dottie.” She winked.

Kat sat up straight, knocking me out of my comfortable snuggle. “Wait just a goddamn minute!” She gripped my chin, turning my face as I looked directly into her gorgeous dark eyes. “Whenis your birthday?”

I blinked. “Please, it’s not a big deal—” Normally I would have loved to celebrate my birthday, but this year, I just wasn’t in the mood. Not now.

“It’s in a couple of weeks,” Patty answered, while she opened the cake box and began cutting us pieces with Dante’s help. “Eddie marked it on the calendar and everything!”

“I–I really don’t want to talk about it right now,” I whispered to Kat. Patty and Dante walked back into the room, both of their hands filled with perfectly sliced pieces of cake. I took my piece from Patty with a smile, immediately taking a generous bite. “Mmm. This is delicious!”

“Mhm. And this conversation isn’t over,” Kat snapped, planting a kiss on my cheek.

I accepted that for now. But I still wasn’t ready for everything yet. The thought of being happy and surrounded by so much joy was still overwhelming and seemed unattainable. Hell, it felt wrong. Like I didn’t deserve to celebrate after all that happened. And a subject change was very necessary. “How are things at Eden’s Inferno, Patty? How’s Jade? Ugh, I miss her.”

“Jade is great! She misses you too… keeps asking when you’ll be back.” She took a bite , her eyes low, knowing the comment might hit a nerve. “Everything else is pretty standard really, nothing crazy. Oh!” The three of us jumped at her overly excited voice. “I’ve been meaning to tell you three!” Dramatically, she dropped her fork on her plate with a loud clatter, moving her hands as we listened intently. “Eddie demoted Lana!”

Dante was the first to speak up. “You’re shitting me.” He grinned, shaking his head.

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