Page 109 of Shielding Instinct

“Got it.” He took a swig from his water bottle and then set it down on the rough wood. “Psychopaths are bad. Survivors get our sympathy. Security gets our gratitude.”

“What happens if you walk away from the dopamine rush?” Petra asked with her hand over her mouth to hide the biteshe’d taken from her sandwich. “You crash. You feel bad. If you want the dopamine back, you seek out that person again.”

“Like an addiction.” He leaned forward. “Cooper, leave it,” Hawkeye said as a fish jumped from the water and Cooper pushed up to a crouch.

Petra grinned at Cooper, then reached for a potato chip in Hawkeye’s bag. “It can very much be like an addiction. Again, the cults want you to need that hit, so you do what’s necessary to feel good. Now, on the other hand, you walk away, and when you think back on your time together, you still feel warm and fuzzy.”

“You think back, not only was it good then, but you feel positive and happy in the now,” Hawkeye said. “Life feels good.”

“That’s oxytocin and serotonin—those are the connection chemicals.”

“The tell is that you shouldn’t feel desperate to get back to them.” He chucked the last bite of his sandwich toward a gull, pecking along the rocks.

“Be a little careful with that last sentence. You can miss someone and look forward to seeing them soon. It’s more that you’re not—"

“Depleted and looking for a refill. Not an addict looking for a high. There’s no crash between.”

“It’s a good indicator,” Petra agreed. “It’s not a litmus test. But to answer your original question, ‘Is there a scientific way to know if a person is your person?’ That’s the best answer I have.”

“Check the chemical reaction. I like it.” He smiled and brushed the hair from her face, gently tucking it behind her ear before he bent in to kiss her. Holding there, he whispered. “And I like you—the serotonin oxytocin kind of like.” He sat up to see her reaction.

Her reaction was joy.

“That’s one of the most romantic things I’ve ever heard.” She scooted closer, tucking into his arm. “Thank you. I serotoninoxytocin like you, too.” Petra cuddled into him, his warmth radiating into her. Then she reached over to play with his fingers, resting on his opposite thigh. “Do you want a significant relationship in your life, or are you good?” She ventured.

“I’ve always considered myself a man who should be a husband.”

“That’s an interesting way to phrase it. You seem to be a man who sets a goal and reaches it—Green Beret, Cerberus Tactical. Of course, personal and professional aren’t the same. So how is it you’re not married?”

“Here’s how I saw it,” He rubbed a finger under his nose, looking up as he formed his thoughts. “The person I could devote myself to was out there, just not ‘out there.’” He chuckled. “Not out there as in woo-woo. I think the kind of person I wanted to be with isn’t in the places where people meet for the dating scene.”

“Apps,” Petra said, slipping Cooper a bit of cheese.

“Apps. Bars. Dance halls. I’m not into the party scene. I always thought that my person was probably at home playing with her animals, doing her hobbies, having friends over, going out hiking on the weekends.” He turned and captured her chin in his fingers as he smiled at her.

Petra liked the warmth in his eyes and the genuineness of the crinkles at the corners.

“See I was right. And, of course, I needed Cooper with me so he could give his stamp of approval. The universe needed to put me in the right place at the right time.”

“So that was the universe at play, the whole thing on the plane?” Petra asked.

“I imagine as an FBI special agent, you’re not putting all your deets out for the public to see. The universe took some time to figure out how to put us in the same place, under the right circumstances that we got a chance to know each other a bit.”

“Good of the universe to finally get the job done. I used to think of myself as a woman who should be a wife. I was even married for a while back in my twenties.”

Petra always struggled with the idea of timing. Her brain was able to figure out early on if a person was someone she liked and enjoyed. Unfortunately, she acted that way. It seemed off-putting, even overwhelming to neurotypical people who seemed to know the dance steps that she did not.

But Petra wasn’t going to mask. She’d promised herself to be genuine with Hawkeye. If she was going to scare him off, earlier was better.

“Yesterday,” she said, “you talked to me about the importance of preserving significant firsts for a time when they could be savored. This weekend has been desperate, scary, painful, miserable, and sad. But through that, I’m stuck on significant firsts. Through all that, what’s going on between us feels like a significant first to me. I haven’t felt this settled and comfortable amidst all the discomforts before. I feel like this time together has been important.”

“Absolutely. Yes. I’m looking forward to getting home and —” Hawkeye stopped when his phone buzzed. He pulled it out from his thigh pocket. “Go for Hawkeye.” He paused. “I have Petra here with me. I’m putting you on speaker. No one else is in our area to overhear.”

“Petra? Reaper here.”

“Hi?” She leaned forward to speak over the phone as Hawkeye held it out.

“I’m looking for information you might have about the girl from today’s search. She’s in the hospital and had a seizure. She remains uncommunicative. The hospital is seeking information that might help them to understand her medical situation. When you saw the family at the tidepool, was anything mentioned about her health? Did you see any medications?”

---