Page 98 of Shielding Instinct

“I mean, whoever figured out chocolate was a mad genius.” Hawkeye pulled a bar from his side pocket and offered it to Petra. Cora had told him chocolate was a dopamine hit that helped her regulate her system like coffee was. That might be true of chocolate for Petra, too.

Petra smiled as she pulled back the wrapper and broke off a couple of squares before handing the rest of the bar back. “Thank you.” She took a bite and pointed toward her mouth. “People with neurodivergence often have heightened taste perceptions, which has its good sides and its bad. That tasted so good, thank you.”

“If that’s true,” Hawkeye said, “then exploration isn’t just ‘what’s on the other side of this hill.’ It could be ‘I’ll try that plant, but it subtly tastes of a chemical that made me sick before, better to spit it back out.’”

Petra said, “Which leads me to another unusual trait. Neurodivergent people typically forget to eat or drink throughout the day.”

Hawkeye chuckled, “Cora says she isn’t hungry until we put food in front of her. Then she’s inhaling it like she’s been starved for days.”

“You ordered pizza that first day after I said I hadn’t eaten. Once it arrived in front of me, I realized I was famished.”

“Fascinating when you think about all of this big picture.” He lifted his free hand in a sweeping gesture. “We were talking Darwin yesterday. When you think about it, yes, not having an appetite until the right time is game-changing. I’m thinking about being on missions where my stomach became a distraction during the boring points, on most long walks, for example. If you can forget about your stomach, life is that much easier, right? And hunting, how does that play here?”

“A heightened awareness of how systems work, which helps the hunter capture their prey; and heightened attention to details, which helps them—”

“Stay alive while hunting prey,” Hawkeye said. “I’m scanning through my brothers and on that piece alone, I’m starting to see patterns of who we relied on—and not to diagnose—but let’s just say I have a bit more clarity on who rose inleadership because of elbow rubbing and who rose because their skills kept us safe.”

“Right and thinking of the military, there are those who were at the base and those who sought out roles where they’d be far afield. Those who don’t mind being away from society to accomplish their tasks. They probably prefer it to some extent.”

Hawkeye thought back to all the books he’d read about anthropology, and he wanted to read them again through these new lenses. Petra was right; it took a village. Those who stayed, those who wandered; they had a variety of interests and talents, each doing what they could to keep their community safe—just like in the outposts when he deployed.

Survival of the fittest could very well have meant survival by doing the thing you were fittest to do in a community.

And now he had a good reason to answer that ice-breaker conversation, “Living or dead, if you could have a conversation with anyone, who would it be?” Hawkeye didn’t have a go-to answer for that. His answer was usually tied to whatever caught his interest at that moment. Right now, Darwin would be top of the list.

“I’m still thinking about soldiers. Here’s another trait,” Petra said. “Neurodivergent people often have very high pain tolerance, and when called on in an emergency, they become laser-focused on resolving the crisis. Seemingly pre-trained strategic moves come fully formed into our heads, and sudden super strength.”

“I really want you to meet Cora,” Hawkeye said, his gaze casting out over the vista, where he could see a flash of blue ocean amongst the leaves as they approached the ridgeline. “I think she needs to hear your perspective on all this. I think my parents would benefit from hearing it, too. My parents did everything possible to ease Cora’s life and help her fit in. But they were always told that she had to fight against herdisability, which is—from what you’re saying—an ability that isn’t understood or properly utilized. We’re back to the fish climbing a tree meme.”

“Teaching someone to mask who they are to make others feel more comfortable and ‘fit in’?” Petra used finger quotes. “That’s exhausting and leads to burnout—like going to bed for five or six months, barely being able to crawl to the bathroom, being too tired to chew, kind of burn out.”

He stopped and turned to her. “That happened to Cora. They said it was chronic fatigue, and they thought it was some virus that did it to her. She was fine. Highly successful at her work, a brilliant surgeon. And then she wasn’t. And isn’t. She’s still brilliant. She’s just not able to handle the surgeries anymore.”

“Yeah. That’s how it happens.” Her voice sounded beaten down.

Hawkeye stopped to make sure Petra heard him say this and took it in. If Petra was anything like Cora, she’d be second-guessing every second of the day and finding all the ways that she didn’t live up to the moment. “Petra, this whole weekend has been nuts, and you’ve been amazing.”

She blinked at him.

“Not sarcasm—Cora always thinks my compliments are sarcasm. I say this with sincerity. You were remarkable in every way possible.”

And instead of saying thank you and accepting his praise, Petra deflected by telling a story.

“Ever since I was a kid, it’s like a switch goes off in me. I remember a friend was getting bullied out in the middle of the lake on the diving platform. I remember diving into the water, and the next thing I knew, I had this teenage boy in a hold with his arm locked up behind his back. I knew what word he was saying as I dove in. He hadn’t finished the sentence when I hadhim constrained. Of course, I was in the middle of the lake with this guy’s arm behind his back. I didn’t have a next action in mind because I never knew I was going to do that first one. And the crisis was over, so the good idea fairy had flown away.” She shrugged. “I don’t remember how that resolved.”

“One of my Cerberus brothers, Ridge, is married to an artist named Harper. She does that. She’s moving along, and then her body is in motion, doing heroic things. She’s put herself in peril to save lives that way. Often to her great detriment. Her actions have led to complications that have had dire ramifications for her.”

Petra let her hand rest on Cooper’s head and looked up at Hawkeye.

There it was, that sensation of—the words “hitch” and “coupling” were coming to mind. And Hawkeye could see it in his mind’s eye how two pieces were brought together and connected. He’d never considered those words and how the physical, tactile meaning was a good representation of their emotional meaning. Like the word “click,” he’d thought before.

But the intensity he felt toward Petra wasn’t the same energy he was getting back from her. He knew what he wanted—time to get to know her, a relationship that grew warmer and deeper. But he wasn’t convinced that Petra was interested in him beyond this weekend and the calming of the hoopla.

Change the energy, change the outcome, a personal truism. Hawkeye would have a direct conversation with her. Tell her his thoughts, ask her about hers. Maybe they could do that over dinner.

Standing very still, Petra’s gaze focused on the ground.

Petra mentioned that she didn’t like surprises, so Hawkeye decided to ask her now if they might talk that through. He wanted her to have time to think, or maybe she didn’t needto think. Maybe she’d quickly shut him down. He had to be prepared for that. “I—” he started.

---