Page 25 of Her Cruel Redemption

‘My birthday always meant getting another year closer to marrying Tallius. It’s never felt like something to celebrate.’

We were quiet for a long moment, and I took advantage of the silence to strain my ears to listen for the approach of the others returning with full water cannisters. But we still seemed very much alone. I knew we wouldn’t be for much longer, though. Maybe that’s why I found the courage to ask, ‘What’s it like?’

‘What’s what like?’ she replied, stirring from the dark glare she’d been directing at the centre of the fire.

‘The… physical side of love.’ I stumbled over the phrase she’d used before, and I couldn’t look at her as I said it. But something about her blunt way of speaking about it made me feel like I could ask the question.

She seemed to stew on her answer for a while. ‘It depends on who it’s with,’ she said finally. ‘And even then, it depends on what’s going on between you at the time. There’s as many types of sex as there are moods and people. But I’m not sure I’ll give you the best sense of what it’s like between two people in love. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life having sex for money, so my perspective on it is probably pretty skewed.’ As shocking as it was to hear her discuss her former life so frankly, her ability to cut through niceties and say the things no one else would was what had always drawn me to her. Not that this was her only side; at court, in front of my father, she’d been charming, full of smiles and flattery. I far preferred it when she was being shockingly honest.

‘I’ve heard other girls talk. Some of the housemaids were whispering about… how it hurts,’ I said, threading my fingers together on my lap and clenching my hands tightly. ‘Does it?’

‘A little the first time. More if you’re nervous. But it shouldn’t after that. It can be…’ Her words trailed off and she bit her lip, staring far off into the distance, perhaps turning over some memory. ‘Well, I suppose you’ll find out for yourself,’ she finished. ‘But before you do, there’s a tonic you can take. Try to wait until we can get our hands on some. Your life is complicated enough without adding pregnancy to your list of worries.’

I was saved from having to answer by the sound of voices in the trees, and a few moments later Tanathil was bounding towards us, carrying only one small flask of water while Goras lumbered along behind him with several cannisters hung from rope strung across his shoulders. I was both relieved and disappointed for the conversation to end. It had made me so incredibly uncomfortable, but at the same time, I liked that she’d decided it needed to be had. Our relationship had never felt much like mother and daughter, and she was too young for me to ever really see her as that, but legally I supposed she still was my stepmother. It was nice to think there was a part of her that thought of her role in my life like that.

With the tents set up and the horses seen to, there was only the evening meal to prepare and eat. As the last of the light drained from the sky, we sat on the circled logs, the heat of the fire warming our faces and bowls of food warming our hands, and I felt like some of that glow from the flames had seeped into my chest, filling it as I looked around at this group people who believed in me enough to follow me to Oceatold.

‘Your cooking is improving, Kel,’ Tanathil said, scraping his spoon along the side of his bowl. ‘This is almost edible.’

‘You cook next time,’ Kelvhan grunted, sitting forward with his elbows resting on his knees as he ate, gaze fixed on the centre of the fire.

‘Please, no, Tan will end up doing something experimental and poisoning us all,’ Mae chimed in. ‘I appreciate you and your predictability.’

A hint of a smile pulled at the corner of Kel’s mouth before he took another spoonful of stew, but he didn’t reply.

Footsteps and voices punctured the darkness and the easy quiet of eating.

‘Hello? Excuse us, we mean no harm.’ The voice belonged to a man emerging from the night, stepping into the glow of the firelight. He was dirt-crusted and shabby, clutching a hat in his hands. Behind him, a woman holding the hand of a small boy clung to the shadows, watching us warily. ‘My name is Niall,’ the man continued. ‘This is my wife Soifra and our son Mattias. I was wondering if you’d mind us joining your fire for a stretch? It’s proving to be a cold night and we’ve been on the road a while.’

‘Of course,’ I said immediately, my gaze clinging to that little boy and his wide, hungry eyes, my heart aching. Across the fire, Rhi’s gaze snapped to me.

‘We don’t know who they are,’ she said.

But I did know who they were. They were people who belonged to a kingdom I was supposed to care for, to protect. They were a family dragging their little boy along a dusty road in the dark because I had let the throne be stolen out from under me by the man who had started this war.

‘I’m Gwinellyn. You’re welcome to join us. There’s plenty of room,’ I continued as though Rhi hadn’t spoken, shifting a little beneath the burn of her disapproval. She stood and rounded the fire to stand by me, watching as the others made room and introduced themselves to the travellers.

‘We’re supposed to be keeping a low profile,’ she said under her breath.

‘We can do that while being decent people,’ I said. ‘Look. None of the others have a problem with it.’ And they didn’t. Tan was helping Niall drag a log over to the fire for them to sit on and Mae was already spooning the dregs of the stew into a bowl, her brow pinched as she took in the scrawny little boy. His mother accepted the bowl with a grateful smile.

‘Then on all your heads be it,’ Rhi muttered. ‘And I’d better not lose mine for it. I’m going to bed.’ She stalked off towards the tents, and I chewed my lip as I watched her go.

‘How long have you been on the road for?’ Kelvhan asked as the family settled onto the log and Soifra tried to convince Mattias to use a spoon with the stew instead of hungrily grabbing at it with his fingers. She glanced around at us in embarrassment as he just turned his little body away from her and continued cramming chunks of vegetable into his mouth.

‘A while,’ Niall said, holding his hands out towards the warmth. ‘Our lands were right on the border. We held out for as long as we could, but even when the skirmishes weren’t nearby, the soldiers kept taking what we had to feed the army. Each time they’d try leave us something, but then they’d come back and take what they’d left the last time. It just wasn’t worth holding out anymore, especially not if it escalates to a full-scale invasion.’

Guilt stirred in my stomach. This wasmyresponsibility. If I’d been brave enough to go back to Lee Helse right after Rhiandra stranded me in the Yawn, would this family still be fleeing their home? Could I have done something to stop the calamity that had erupted since?

‘Where are you all headed?’ he asked after a few minutes of just the sound of the crackling fire and the chirping of crickets.

‘To Oceatold,’ I said.

His brows shot up. ‘Oh, aye? That’s a rough journey right about now.’ He picked up a stick and poked at the fire. ‘Not that you’d be the first to try it. I hear there’s another high lord who’s made it over the border with a handful of men. There must be a fair wash of Brimordian priests and lords and druthi in Sarmiers these days.’

‘Niall,’ Soifra hissed in warning.

‘What? Do they look like informants to you?’ he said, waving her off.

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