Page 102 of Dream a Little Dream

So he slipped off the stool and, through the silence, walked out of Kenny’s house, the door clicking shut behind him like the closing of a chapter that had barely begun. And he wasn’t sure why, or even how, but his legs ran where they ran. All the way to another house. A much tattier one. And when Taylor opened his front door to him, Aaron launched at him for a furious kiss, enabling his mind to stop racing and silence the storm swirling inside him.

If only for a short time.

chapter twenty-one

Turn Around, Look at Me

By the next Friday afternoon, Aaron found himself back in the welfare office, sitting across from Drew, knee bouncing with restless, almost frantic energy. His mind strained against the pressure, every thought swirling and coiling around itself, desperate to escape. He couldn’t keep it all in much longer, and Kenny wasn’t there to remind him to keep a lid on it. Not that he’d even care to.

Because screw Kenny.

He was still mad at him. Mad at how easily Kenny had dissected his mind, how he’d dug into every vulnerable inch of him, then left him bleeding when he’d put an end to everything. The whole mess of it all—Kenny, his parents, the dark sense of connection he couldn’t shake. It was smothering. And he’d avoided him, his classes, everything for the past few days, shutting himself in his room, or Mel’s room, orTaylor’sroom,like he’d used to be closed in a cupboard when the bad stuff happened.

Life was a cycle of trauma.

“So, you have a boyfriend now?” Drew’s voice tugged on his thought like it was a fray of an old, unravelling thread.

Aaron raised an eyebrow. Drew’s trousers had ridden up to reveal a flash of diamond-patterned yellow socks and Aaron wondered how a man could dress so blandly. Sounremarkably. He was like some ghostly figure lurking in the background. His question made Aaron snort, though. Because of all the chaos happening in his life, Drew had chosenthatto start with.

Aaron shrugged. “Wouldn’t exactly call him my boyfriend.”

No. Taylor was some bloke who made it easy for Aaron to use to evoke a reaction from Kenny. And if he were to make use of these sessions, he should talk about it. Also talk about Rahul. How he hadn’t really known him, yet he’d met his grisly end because he’d dared to share his dinner with him. And how his father, whom Aaron hadn’t seen since he’d been ripped from the only life he knew, had topped himself in prison immediately after Rahul’s death. And how it all seemed joined and connected to him. And how the police were looking at him as asuspect.

But more than any of that, he should talk about how all that loss was nothing compared to losing Kenny. And he’d never really had him. Only in his dreams.

Dream a Little Dream Of Me.

Drew’s eyes gleamed as he peered over his glasses, pen poised on his notebook. “But you like boys?”

The usual priestly chain hung around Drew’s neck, and Aaron scanned the pamphlets on his desk, all carefully stacked, ready to indoctrinate those in here who were vulnerable and needy to God. But then, the bloke worked for a university. There were LGBTQ+ flyers next to the church pamphlets, everything on display like a show of inclusivity.

“Yeah.” Aaron leaned back to stare up at the ceiling again, tapping his fingers on his chest. “I like boys.” Well, men.One man in particular.“I’m gay.”

Drew nodded, scribbling something down.

Maybe he could just fake how remorseful he was about the whole Archie thing? Then Drew might recommend he no longer had to be here for these weekly sessions, at which he divulged nothing of any substance, anyway. Surely, it was in both their interests to knock this on the head? Drew could use an hour to…do whatever it was he did in his spare time. Pray. Make other people pray. Then Aaron could stop having to exert energy by not saying anything.

“How would your parents feel about it?”

Aaron drummed his fingers on his chest. He’d started with honesty. He should continue with honesty. “Don’t care.”

Drew wrote something down. “How do youthinkthey might react?”

“Couldn’t give two fucks.”

“Really?”

“They’re not around to have an opinion on it.” Aaron’s throat closed up. He didn’t care what his dad would think. He’d topped himself in prison over remorse or regret, or maybe something deeper. Or even if it wasn’t suicide at all but made to look that way by a fellow prisoner, or even a guard, Aaron couldn’t give a fuck. But it still caused a pang of something deep in Aaron’s gut. Maybe it was an unresolved thing. Maybe that’s what Dr Kenneth Lyons would tell him. Help him navigate.

And his mother? He tried to block out the pang of loss that always seemed to sneak in unwanted, and how he hated himself for still feeling and wondering.

Drew interrupted his thoughts. “If they were here, do you think this would be an act of rebellion for you? Or something else?”

Aaron’s eyes narrowed. “What, my sexuality?”

“Yes.”

Aaron glanced at the ceiling, tapping his fingers absently. “It’s just…me. Something I can’t change.”

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