Then she died.
And I didn’t just blame myself for losing her. I blamed life. For giving me a purpose and a reason to live… and then ripping it all away.
Grief has a way of making everything feel hazy, blurry, shapeless. Yet you can still remember what it felt like when it wasn’t. Time is just a salve. A bandage on a wound that never really heals. If you let it, time will make it fester. Because if you hold onto anything for too long, it poisons you.
That thought lingers with me the longer I stare out the balcony window of Olivia’s apartment. The necklace around my neck is a weight. It was a reassurance once upon a time. Now, it’s a reminder of what I’ve lost.
Sitting on the couch in the living room, the weight nearly aches. But it doesn’t feel the same. The longing I feel now… it’s no longer about missing her.
It’s about missing myself.
There’s less than ten minutes until Taylor and I trade-off for the day. While I’d like to say that the auction was exhausting, I’d be lying. It was exhilarating to be back in the routine again. It’s been months since I’ve felt up to a challenge.
When I hear footsteps at the door and the familiar ping of the keypad, I relax knowing it's Taylor. He keys inside, the evidence of me tinkering away at the new camera set-up scattered on the coffee table.
He grins. “How’d it go?”
I eye the tray full of three coffees in his hand and smile. “Good. No problems. Didn’t know you were supplying coffee for the shift now.”
He plops a cup in front of me, and I toss him the spare keys as he drops his bag on a stool in the kitchen. “It’s not free. I’ll expect a favor later down the road.”
I raise a brow. “What favors are you planning on needing, Bishop?
He grins. “Cross that bridge when I get to it.”
I shake my head, sipping the bitter liquid as Olivia’s door opens. Chesna comes barreling out, running straight for my lap.I’ve never liked cats. I've always thought they were grumpy, finicky creatures, and I freeze when she tilts her head into my palm. I relax fractionally, petting her softly. Olivia’s close behind, a frown crinkling her brow when she sees Chesna in my arms…
Her frown disappears when she spots the coffee in Taylor's hand though because she gasps, nearly skipping to the counter.
“Is one of these for me??”
Taylor smiles. “It is.”
“OhMyGod, thank you!” She practically inhales the cup’s contents. “You didn’t have to.”
I heard her tossing and turning for most of the night again. The past few days are bound to have taken it out of her, yet any remaining sleepiness seems to melt away as she drinks.
Taylor smirks. “Unlike Warden, I like to start things off on a good note.”
I narrow my eyes. She chuckles under her breath, “That sounds an awful lot like bribery.”
“Whatever you want to call it.”
I shake my head, grabbing the camera parts and chugging down my drink. I have to be back later, so I should get going.
“I’ll see you both at handoff.”
“Headed to see Skar?” Taylor calls, and I don’t miss the way Olivia’s shoulders tense at the question.
“Yeah,” I answer, grabbing my bag and helmet from the room. “Got a couple of things to do first.”
I’m going to the cemetery. Just like I used to most Mondays. It’s been awhile since I’ve visited, but Taylor knows that by now.
“Always a man of mystery,” he teases anyways.
“You should try maintaining some of your own sometime.”
He scrubs a hand over his beard, ignoring the comment. “Say hi to Winter for me.”