Page 23 of Love Set Me Free

He moved to put his hand on her cheek, but she pulled away. This time, when they made eye contact, she allowed a couple of tears to fall as she whispered, “You have to stop doing that, Kydrick.”

“Doing what?” he asked. A frown formed on his face once again.

“Giving me mixed signals. I can’t keep doing this. It feels like I’ve spent my entire life battling myself when it comes to you, and I’m tired.”

The last thing he wanted to do that night was to have this conversation, but he recognized that Paisley clearly needed to get this out. He gestured toward her.

“Go ahead. Get it out. I’m all ears.”

She stared at him with tears streaming down her face with an incredulous look in her eyes.

“Get it out? You think it’s that simple?”

She hopped off the bed and put her hands on her slim waist. Kydrick had to really focus on her eyes and not allow his to travel the length of her body. He didn’t even think she realized she stood before him damn near naked. Her body was flushed with irritation, and he knew her well enough to know she was about to explode.

“I’ve been holding this shit in for years, Kydrick. My feelings for you… since before you and Janelle decided you wanted to be together. And the worst part is Iknowyou know. I know you knownow. Maybe not then, but now you have to know, and you pretend like you don’t.”

By now, her tears couldn’t be stopped, and she stared at him with so much pain it broke his heart. This might have been cruel, but he needed to hear her say it so he could be sure they were on the same page. He’d learned long ago to always triple check that he was on the same page as someone before he acted. Needing to know all the moving pieces and understand where everyone stood was most definitely a trauma response, and he hoped she knew him well enough to understand his question instead of getting offended by it.

“What do I pretend I don’t know, Paisley?”

She stared at him, blinking slowly. He saw a mix of emotions filter across her face before she seemed to land on frustrated understanding.

“That I’m in love with you.”

Her words came out as if she was defeated, and as Kydrick looked at her, she looked it too. As soon as the last word fell from her soft lips, he tugged her by her hand into him and looked into her eyes.

“I can promise you, when we were kids, I had no idea. You always been my homie?—”

She tried pulling away from him. He saw the painful frustration and the hint of rejection in her eyes, but he held her in place, forcing her to hear his words.

“Cut it out. Listen to what I have to say. You got to speak, and now it’s my turn. Understand?”

After several long seconds, she nodded her head slowly but didn’t look him in his eyes. That was okay with him as long as she heard what he had to say.

“You have always been my homie, but with time, you also became the most stable and consistent person in my life.

“With time, I started to recognize the love you had for me, and it wasn’t in a friendly way. I’ll admit that because of the cards I was dealt, it took me a really long time to see it, and I felt like an idiot once I did. All this time, my end game was right there.”

He placed his hand on her wet cheek, and this time, she didn’t pull away, but she didn’t lean into him like she normally would. His other hand slid to her waist, and he held her in place like that while he spoke to her, though she still refused to look at him.

“I was never pretending to not know, Paisley. I won’t even pretend like I don’t love you back, and not just as a friend.”

Her eyes finally met his, and they were wide with surprise. He chuckled and used his thumb to wipe her tears.

“Yeah, I love you. I love you like a man is supposed to love a woman… like my father loved my mother… like your father loves your mother. I think on some level I always have, but life, man…” He cleared his throat. “Life made other things a priority, and I know that isn’t fair to you because I have always been your priority. I know, which is why I feel like you deserve better than me. You deserve more than I can give you?—”

“No.” Her voice came out strong and confident, and this time, she was the one to grab his cheeks and force him to look at her. “Don’t say that, Kyd. That’s not true. You have been dealt a shitty hand, but that does not mean you’re not worthy of love.”

He removed her hands from his face and kissed her knuckles on both hands.

“I appreciate your words, but it’s hard for me to believe them. I have a lot of shit I have to work through, and you’ve already given so much of your time and effort to me. I can’t sit by and allow you to continue to waste your life waiting on me.”

A fat tear fell down her cheek, and he quickly wiped it away.

“I definitely don’t want you to cry over me anymore.”

They were silent for a few minutes, sitting with the weight of everything that had just been said. Kydrick knew this conversation was needed, but he feared hurting Paisley. That was the last thing he wanted to do, but he also knew he needed to be honest with her. He felt like she deserved so much better because he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship yet, and he didn’t know how long that would take. Allowing her to wait for him wasn’t an option. Paisley needed to learn to live life for her, and he couldn’t be the one to continue to hold her back.

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