Page 43 of Eleanor & Grey

I finally signed online late one evening in April. I’d been avoiding doing it for a while, because whenever I signed on, Greyson was there waiting for updates, and I hated that lately the updates were getting sadder and sadder.

That night, I needed him. I just needed to talk to him, and like the loyal boy he always was, when I signed on at ten at night, he was there.

GreyHoops87: Hey, Ellie! Just checking in on you. You haven’t been online a lot, so just a heads-up, you’re going to have a whole inbox’s worth of emails filled with my mindless random thoughts.

EGHogwarts: Hey, sorry. Things have been a bit crazy.

GreyHoops87: It’s okay. I get it. Any update?

EGHogwarts: Just sad ones.

GreyHoops87: I’ll listen to the sad ones, too.

I sighed, running my hand over my face.

EGHogwarts: I’m going to put on a five-minute timer, and that’s all the time we’re putting toward the sad stuff, okay? Otherwise, I’ll drown in it. So, I’m going to word-vomit and get it all out all at once. You don’t even have to reply. I just…if I say the stuff to you, I’ll feel like it’s not just waiting to explode inside of me.

GreyHoops87: Five minutes on the clock. Annnd go!

EGHogwarts: I think today’s the first day I realized my mom is actually dying. Before there was an unrealistic belief that she was going to get better, a belief that there would be a day she didn’t need the wheelchair anymore, or that she’d stand up and be able to dance again, or paint. But today we sat by the water, and I felt it. I felt the ending closing in. I felt that our goodbyes are a lot closer than our good mornings. I’ve never been so scared in all my life, and I have these terrible thoughts that make me feel like the worst daughter ever. If she were gone, she wouldn’t have to struggle anymore. If she died, she’d be free of the pain. What kind of monster does that make me? How can those thoughts even cross my mind? Anyway, I guess that’s where I am right now, and I completely understand if that makes you want to pull back a little from talking to me. Because right now this is me: I’m sad. I’m hurting. I’m so sad that sometimes I just want to stay in bed. I’m so sad that sometimes I have dark, dark thoughts and I don’t really know how to control them, and that can be a lot. I can be a lot. My sadness is a lot right now, and I don’t even know how to handle it, so I don’t expect you to know, either.

I hit send and waited for a reply. And waited. And waited.

GreyHoops87: What else?

EGHogwarts: What do you mean what else?

GreyHoops87: That was only two minutes of our five. You have three more minutes to spill out your heart on this open canvas. I’m not going anywhere, Ellie. I’m here.

Tears rolled down my cheeks, and I took a deep breath. I had been given permission to express myself wholeheartedly. What a freeing thing that was to have.

EGHogwarts: I think that’s it. That’s everything I’m feeling.

GreyHoops87: Do you want my reply?

EGHogwarts: No, not now. Not yet. I just needed to get it all out, I think. So, if we could do anything but talk about sad stuff, that would make me feel better.

GreyHoops87: Okay.

GreyHoops87: So, what did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

EGHogwarts: What?

GreyHoops87: Dam.

I smiled.

Thank you, Grey.

FROM: [email protected]

TO: [email protected]

DATE: April 29, 10:54 PM

SUBJECT: I know you said

Ellie,

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