Page 68 of Eleanor & Grey

She used to run, and bake, and smile.

She used to laugh, and dance, and love out loud.

She used to be everything to me.

And she was gone because of me.

On the nights when it was too much, like it was that evening, I allowed myself to crack. I fell apart when no one was looking, because it was easier to be broken when no one was around to feel bad for you.

I didn’t want people’s pity.

I didn’t want their sincere apologies.

I didn’t want their words of encouragement.

I just wanted my wife back.

So, that Saturday night, I walked to Karla’s room, ignored the Do Not Enter sign on her closet door, and I opened it, which opened a world to everything that was Nicole.

Covering the walls were dozens and dozens of photographs of Nicole with the girls and me. There were a million moments frozen in time, pictures that captured their smiles, their laughs, our happiness.

Karla had set a chair in her closet and hung fairy lights throughout the space. On the floor were articles of Nicole’s clothing, and I could tell my daughter had sat in the space not too long ago, because they were freshly sprayed with her mother’s favorite perfume.

I shut off the main light source in the bedroom so only the fairy lights shone above me. Then, I sat down on the chair and picked up a black hoodie. Nicole had worn it to bed when she was too cold, which had seemed to always be the case. I remembered pushing her cold feet away from me almost every single night before giving in and allowing her to freeze me.

I pulled the hoodie to my face and took a deep breath as I shut my eyes.

“Grey…” Her breathy voice spoke my way.

I squeezed it in my hands as if I were somehow holding on to her.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” I hadn’t known why those were the words to leave my lips, but they were all that had come to mind.

I held the garment as if she was somehow still there with me.

She shook her head. “No. The girls.”

My hands were turning red from how hard I was gripping on to that hoodie, but I couldn’t let go.

I was holding on to a ghost, a memory, a story of my past.

And then I fell apart.

When it all became too much, when my thoughts overpowered me, I left Karla’s room and went to pour myself a glass of whiskey.

I stood in front of the fireplace, watching the flames as I sipped the brown liquor.

I tried to shake Nicole from my mind, but when I did my girls entered my head, and that made me sadder. It reminded me of what my mistake did to their lives. Thinking about them reminded me of how I changed their world forever.

So I thought about Eleanor Gable.

The girl who stared at me for too long, and really liked uncomfortable situations.

Those thoughts weren’t as heavy as all my others.

So, I let them stay.

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