Page 29 of Landon & Shay: Part Two

At least that way I could be someone else for a while, someone other than me.

I cleared my throat. “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Keep our meetings going. My schedule with work is getting pretty busy, and I don’t really have the time to commit to therapy anymore.”

“What? Landon, no.” For the first time ever, Dr. Smith appeared worried. “Now more than ever is the time to stick with this commitment. I see what’s happening. I can tell that you feel as if your world is crumbling around you, but it’s not. You’ve made so much progress. Let’s not step backward. Let’s keep unpacking these boxes.”

My mind pulled up one of the last comments Dad made toward me.

You can always count on that son of mine to crumple and leave you with his mess.

I didn’t want him to be right. I didn’t want to crumple and leave people with my messes. I didn’t want to be the weak asshole that Dad claimed me to be. I didn’t want to be like Uncle Lance.

Lately, I couldn’t breathe, and I knew that meant I was seconds away from spiraling again. Down, down, down, back to the darkness. But I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t have time for grief or another run-of-the-mill bout of depression, and I knew if I kept unboxing shit with Dr. Smith, I’d fall even deeper into the feelings I wanted to keep locked away.

I didn’t want to relive my trauma. I wanted to be better.

I thought I was getting better.

“This is for the best, Doc. Thank you for all you’ve done,” I said, standing up from my chair to leave the room.

“Landon, wait. Please,” she begged, standing to her feet.

I turned to look at her and arched an eyebrow.

She sighed, and her eyes flashed with emotion. “You’re a good person who deserves a happy ending. Don’t give up on that. Don’t lose this fight. If you push me away, confide in someone. Find someone to keep that door open with. Because it’s easy to close yourself off from the world and make it seem like you’re alone, but you’re not. Even on the days that feel so dark, there’s always someone reaching out with an open hand.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

“And as always”—she gave me a broken smile—“my door’s always open.”

After leaving Dr. Smith’s office, I put on my mask, and I made the mistake of leaving it on for too long. It became a part of me. Fake smiles, fake laughs, fake everything to hide the hurting that was going on inside me. Luckily for me, I was an actor in Hollywood—the world of being fake. I’d fit right in, and nobody would blink an eye thinking I was off. As far as they were concerned, I was Landon Pace—the happy-go-lucky actor, but I knew the mask wouldn’t last forever because no matter what, the masks always cracked.

And when it began to crack for me, it shattered into a million pieces.

August 1st, 2005

Satan,

Hey, just thought I would get us back to our norm by sending you a letter even though I text you every single day. Tracey is back for our junior year from studying abroad, and it feels like there’s a bit of a disconnect between us. It might all be in my head, but I feel like everything I say, she snaps at me or disagrees with me. It isn’t even big things, really. The other day, she hollered at me because I drank the last of the milk in the carton and hadn’t had a chance to replace it. It’s the little things that drive me nuts the most.

For example, if I say I love a sweater, she’ll tell me all the reasons it’s wrong for me. “It will make your shoulders look bulky. The color will clash with your skin.” Always the negative.

Raine said things have always been like that between Tracey and me. I guess I never really noticed until she was gone and then moved back in with us. Mom said people change with age, and perhaps Tracey and I are just growing in different directions.

Just to be clear, I rocked that sweater, bulky shoulders and all.

How are you? How is Sarah Sims?! Did you tell her I love her? Did you ask for an autograph? Did you ask her to marry me? Please say yes to all the above.

Were you still thinking about me coming to visit you? I can text you my availability. Weekend getaways are always nice, too.

I miss you, Landon.

I can’t wait until we’re in the same time zone again.

-Chick

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