Page 61 of If You Stayed

“I also have a lot of baggage,” she commented as she sat back in her chair. “Sometimes, I think I’m too much for love. That I’m so screwed up from my past traumas that no matter what, I’d screw up any relationship I get in.”

“Where do those insecurities come from? Are those your own thoughts or the thoughts of another?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “Sometimes, in my head, it’s hard to know what my own thoughts are and what thoughts came from my parents.”

“You know the cool thing about thoughts?”

“What’s that?”

“They don’t have to define you. They can come and go without attaching them to yourself and your worth. Not every thought is worthy of a response. You have the power to say, ‘No, thought. You are wrong and you must leave this instant.’ You are the navigator of your life, and you can shut down any person, place, or thought that makes you feel lesser. A good trick is to say out loud the opposite of any negative thought, three times in a row, to cement a better belief into your system.”

Her brows knit together. “So, when the voices in my head are calling me ugly, I’d say…?”

“I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful.” I smiled her way and nodded once. “And you are beautiful, Claire. But it doesn’t matter what I think, or even what Peter thinks. Itmatters what your core belief is about yourself. And if you learn to combat those negative thoughts, you can change your life.”

“I am beautiful, I am beautiful, I am beautiful,” she repeated, closing her eyes. She placed her hand over her heart and let out a small breath. “I am good enough, I am good enough, I am good enough.”

“Yes, that’s it.”

Her eyes fell to the picture on my desk of Henry and Ava. She smiled a little and shook her head. “Your daughter’s lucky to have you in her life. I bet you teach her these kinds of things, too.”

“I do my best to remind her how amazing she is.”

“My parents never did that. I don’t think if I had a daughter before now, I would’ve been able to do that, either. I would’ve been hard on them, because hard was all I knew how to be. It’s good that mothers like you exist. You are saving lives and raising kids who will be stronger than the ones before. You’re really a good person, Kierra.”

I smiled and leaned toward her. “Now, say that to yourself, because it’s true.”

Her eyes flashed with emotion as she nodded and said the words.

We worked through all her thoughts that afternoon, and surprisingly enough, helping her lifted a bit of pressure off my own chest. I felt as if she had given me a reminder to be kinder to myself, too.

Because I was good enough, I was good enough, I was good enough.

No matter what the voices in my head tried to convinceme of.

***

One afternoon, Gabriel was stopping by to drop off some paperwork for Henry. Henry was running late to work, which was something that always happened. He’d sent me a text message, instructing me to stay home to retrieve the paperwork. He didn’t have to twist my arm to greet Gabriel that afternoon, that was for sure.

“Hey, come on in,” I said as I opened the front door for Gabriel. “How are you?”

“Good, good. I was just going over some paperwork that Henry wanted, so I figured I’d bring it and get him to sign it before I’m back in two days to check in on the foundation and build.” He raked his hand through his messy hair and grinned. “You look nice.”

I glanced down at myself. I was wearing my oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants. “I look like a slob, but I appreciate the compliment.”

He held the folder out toward me. “Thanks for letting me swing by to drop th—”

“Mommmm!I have cramps and I hate everything and being a girl is the worst thing in the world, and if I could cut out my insides I would if that meant no more…” Ava froze in place as she stomped into the living room. The moment she saw Gabriel, a flash of horror and embarrassment spread across her face.

Gabriel held up a hand toward her. “Hey, kid.”

Ava’s eyes darted between Gabriel and me before her jaw dropped and her eyes filled with tears. “Oh my gosh! Mommm!Why didn’t you tell me he was here?” she said as humiliation seeped throughout every inch of her being. “This is so embarrassing!” she screamed as she stormed back to her bedroom, slamming the door behind her.

Hormonal teenagers were not something I was ready for. Then again, Ava seeing Gabriel as she talked about her period cramps was not something she was ready for, either.

“Sorry about that. That time of month makes her a little on edge,” I said.

“Not a worry. I’m pretty sure if men had periods, we’d start wars to get out our rage. Her slamming a door is nothing. I hope she’s not too embarrassed by it.”

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