Page 79 of If You Stayed

Ava had been bouncing up and down all morning with excitement about the baby shower. She’d been telling me repeatedly how cool Eddie had been and how nice he was. When we showed up to the baby shower, Ava darted off quickly and made sure that everyone was having a grand time. She put herself to work right away, helping with appetizers and the setting up of games.

It was so good to see her so light and free lately. It was as if she’d stepped out of her shy shell and was able to laugh more with others without any concerns. That was the greatest gift to a parent—seeing their child not only succeeding in life but doing so with such happiness.

That was the word of the day for the baby shower: happiness.

“They look happy,” I mentioned to Gabriel as we leaned back against the same cabinet drawer. I crossed my arms as I studied Eddie and Sarah giggling like teenagers as they opened their gifts. “They’re so cute.”

“They’re going to make remarkable parents.”

“I’m slightly envious of them. I never got this part of parenthood. I was never able to do the baby shower and the silly games. Or pick out the nursery or things like that. I wish I would’ve had that chance with Ava. I bet she was a perfect baby.”

“You would’ve been a perfect new mom.”

I snickered a little. “No, I would’ve been a mess. Worrying about every single breath she took. I would’ve been neurotic.”

“You would’ve been a perfect new mom,” he repeated.

My lips quivered into a faint smile.

There was no reason he should’ve been giving me as many butterflies as he had lately. I hadn’t even known my body still knew how to get butterflies.

I placed my hands on the edge of the cabinet and gripped it, trying to shake off said butterflies. “Have you ever wanted to be a father?”

“Yes,” he said confidently. “It’s something I still think about. Even if I don’t find my person, I’ve thought about adoption. I just wish I had my own father around to help me through it.”

“That has to be hard…you not remembering him.”

“I think the hardest part is knowing he was such a good man. I wish I could remember the good things from my past. It feels unfair to hear great stories yet hold no memory of them at all.”

He placed his hands against the cabinet edge, gripping it as I had. Our arms brushed, and I didn’t pull away. He didn’t,either. I liked it, too. I liked our proximity. I liked the warmth that flowed throughout my whole system from small touches from him.

“Do you want more kids?” he asked me.

I let out a burst of laughter, abrupt and uncontrollable. “Absolutely not with Henry.”

“What about if it was with someone else?”

The question made me pause because I never thought of that. I never thought of a world where I wasn’t chained to Henry Hughes. A world of make-believe, where I could have the family of my dreams.

I lowered my head, feeling a tug at my heart. “One more kid,” I whispered. “I always envisioned myself having two kids and a dog.”

Gabriel laughed. “That’s so strange. I’ve envisioned the same thing.”

I know, Gabriel. I know.

His words broke a part of me. I wondered what would’ve happened if I’d never left all those years ago. I wondered what he and I would’ve become. If he would’ve been the happily to my ever after. If we would’ve been sitting side by side, opening baby shower gifts and playing silly games with each other. Acting like teenagers in love, being wowed by pacifiers.

“Can I tell you a secret, Kierra?” he asked.

“Of course.”

“It’s difficult to be near you at times,” he confessed quietly.

“Why’s that?”

He paused, a look of resigned affection in his eyes. “Becauseonce you’re gone, you have a way of occupying every thought I have for the rest of the day.”

Oh, Gabriel.

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