Page 122 of The Rebel Seer

“Have faith and all will be well,” Arawn promises before turning to me. “You wish to know what you are? Like I said I was granted permission to create you, but you stand before me magnificent on your own. Shy, I created you and I was forced to destroy you when I knew I could no longer keep my corporeal form. It was that or hide you in Annwn forever, and you were meant to be in the world. You were a gift for the living creatures of all the planes.”

The truth hits me. I suppose somewhere I have always known. I knew it when I felt the deep connection to earth and sky. When I first felt a creature pass and wished it well on its journey. I thought those moments the fanciful ideas of a creative child, but I was closer to the truth then. When I was a child, my mind wasn’t muddled with the problems of living. I simply was and knew the dying rabbit or butterfly could use my kindness.

And so I turned the wheel and released them.

My mind flies back. Through the ages, because I was not human until I took this form.

I bubble and boil. I feed the armies of the Earth plane. I offer rebirth to those who choose me, passage to those ready to be something else.

I am life and death and eternity in the form of a cauldron. While I appear to be cast of iron, the truth is something more. I am energy. I am rest. I am the end and beginning of the experience of life.

And then I am small. I am dismantled because I am dangerous. I am flung to a new land where Arawn believes I will be safely hidden for all of time.

I want more.

I want to know why they wish for the wheel to turn. Why they make the choices they make.

I want to know what I am truly made of, to understand the world in a way I cannot in this form.

So I turn my wheel. I become a mote of dust, a blade of grass on the savannah, a drop of needed rain. I become the smallest of creatures, bacteria replicating, and then an ant with mighty strength. A bird on the wind and mouse skittering around. A beloved cat and fierce lion, and then I find my way into my mother’s womb and after centuries and centuries, I am Shahidi.

And I know what I was born to do. It’s the same thing I am made of.

Love.

Tears kiss my cheeks, sweet knowledge and peace flowing through my veins.

I see this place with different eyes. It is even more beautiful than before because I realize Arawn created it as a replacement for me. Annwn is an underworld in name only. It is what he called it. A way station. These beautiful souls are resting and readying for their next journey. They are making decisions about where to go next, what they need to work on. How they can help more, love better.

This is what Myrddin seeks to stop. Our choices. He wants to send everyone to the Hell plane, to one existence for his own selfish purposes.

I can stop him.

“I have always asked the spirits I talk to if they see a light.” Emotion wells inside me. “Did I keep them from it?”

Arawn takes my hands in his, and warmth fills me because death does not have to be cold. It can be a warm blanket at the end of a long day, the sunshine on my face just before twilight. It can be hope for more, for another chance. “Never, my child. You never once kept anyone from the light. They simply found another one. You aren’t responsible for all the dead of the world. But you are the hope for the lost ones.”

“Because you are the light, Shahidi.” Dev gives me a gentle smile. “When I died, I heard the call of Myrddin’s spell, but it was nothing compared to your light. It is…the promise of peace. You are nothing to fear and everything to be grateful for. Like the lives we live. The time we have. You make us appreciate what we were given and anticipate what is to come.”

I sent them searching for the light.

I am the light.

“You are ready.” Arawn’s jaw tightens as he holds my hands and turns to Devinshea. “Is this what it feels like to have a child? I created her but this…this is her own growth. I am proud of her in a way I did not anticipate.”

“Yes, that is what it means,” Dev replies. “Being a father means you have to love no matter what happens. It means you have to accept your circumstances and forget your regrets because your children mean more.”

“I was always afraid of grief. Afraid I would one day mourn them,” Arawn admits. “It’s why I denied Nimue.”

This is something I have learned. I wonder if I would have had Arawn not been forced to change me. If I was never out in the world, would I have learned this important lesson? “Grief is temporary. Mourning is different. It’s a gift in a way because it reminds us how deeply we loved and were loved. We have to find a way through grief, but mourning is something we can hold close because missing those we lost can be sweet, too. Mallt-y-nos told me I need to view death differently. Perhaps it’s time you viewed life through a different lens, Arawn.”

He squeezes my hand and nods. “Yes, it is. Tell Daniel I am going to the Earth plane. I will wait for Nimue to forgive me. I know a couple of great assisted living homes in Iceland. Tuesday night bingo is off the hook, as the young people say.”

“They do not say that anymore,” I reply with a genuine smile. My fear is gone. There is nothing left but the deep belief that I will win.

He responds with a smile that lights his usually grim features. “I was never good with slang. But I will be there. And if the King of All Vampire needs me, I will be there, too. I think it’s time I got the old gang together. Hades is pretty fun, though he has some beef with Hel. And Kali is a genuine treat. I mean as long as you don’t piss her off. Yeah, we could cause Myrddin Emrys some trouble.”

“I will let him know,” Dev responds.

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