Page 116 of The Soldier

Your pussy says otherwise.

This can’t be a thing. It’s just lust.

At least I can admit what I want. Stop hiding from this and fucking talk to me.

I told you. No. You don’t understand.

Yeah. I think I do. Your dad was military, and he died.

But is that really it? Because you’re happy to date that fucker out there who is Special Forces, but not me.

When I’d got mad with Marshall for investigating me, I saw the moment he resigned to my refusal to admit my feelings for him.

You know what, little wolf. You do what you want. I can’t make you want this.

Since Dad died and Mom—who finally phoned me and was very sad to hear what I’d been through, but made no effort to visit—gave up on life, I haven’t trusted anyone.

Briar and Alice, yes. Friends.

But not anyone more intimate.

I haven’t moved on, just like my mother. Only in my own way. Perhaps subconsciously I’d decided that if I never fell in love with a man in uniform, I wouldn’t get hurt. I didn’t want my own kids to go through the same pain of knowing daddy never came home from war.

I shut down.

Shit.

I’d been aware, but not at how debilitating my choices were. I thought I was being smart. Even now my brain is fighting, sayingit was smart, no one has hurt you.

Roger did.

Life is full of situations that hurt you. The trick is getting back up on your feet and carrying on. Because I’m suddenly aware, I’ve not let anyone love me.

Not really.

I sit up in bed, pull my knees up under my chin and stare at the silent TV.

How do you trust?

I don’t want to rush in blindly and make a mess of my life.

Not dating anyone in the forces isn’t necessarily a bad decision. It’s a lifestyle you need to consider, moving around, and your kids not seeing their father because he is deployed.

I know, I lived that life.

But how many people cross our paths in life that truly make our hearts beat, the way Marshall does mine?

He’s not enlisted...

Shit, I think I love him.

I think I’ve lost a man I am totally and absolutely in love with.

Without fooling myself that he felt the same, despite it being clear he wanted more than just sex, I drop my head to my knees and let sadness fill me.

I’m such an idiot.

For a giraffe, he’s such a good guy and I have pushed him away. The truth is, if I’d done what he said, told Roger that I was leaving with Marshall, I would have been safe.

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