Page 38 of Skating Towards Danger

I want to fight for him and show him we can be together, but in order to do that, I need to open up to him. I just don’t know how.

What if he’s disgusted with my past?

The booze, the teacher, the guys, the drugs.

For the first time in my life, I want to live for someone and be happy without guilt filling me, I want to skate.

I want Dante, and I want to skate without falling apart, so here I am.

I blink back the tears and watch the traffic as I admit, “I met someone.” Ellen stays quiet, like she normally does, allowing me to express my feelings, only this time it’s not to admit I want to die. I continue, “He was an ass at first, like he couldn’t stand being near me and decided to do shit on purpose to piss me off, but about a month ago, we ended up sleeping together,” I look at Ellen, “It was the first time since I was seventeen I allowed someone to have my body and I didn’t feel dirty like I used to. I didn’t want to wash his smell off me or shove him away… I wanted to hold him close and never let him go.” Ellen nods, her hazel eyes assessing me, and I continue, “We agreed on frenemies with benefits,” she grins, and I nod, “Yeah, I know that never works. I fell in love with him.”

“And he’s why you’re sitting back here today,” she confirms, and I nod once.

“I uh. He doesn’t know everything,” I admit, “He knows my past isn’t pretty, he knows I rebelled and that I struggle on theice, but he doesn’t know about Royal or the extent of what I did to hide my pain.” I gently rub my brother’s name through my jacket and I allow my tears to fall as I say, “He wanted to know this morning that I didn’t get an ex’s name while I was high, and I felt so ashamed at that moment, and I didn’t know what to say while he looked at me, waiting for an answer and I ended up kissing him hoping to distract him.”

Ellen says, “Paige, you went through a traumatic time, you tried to kill yourself. Don’t be ashamed of your past because you did what you had to. The drugs, the sexual activities, skating by school, you were living with survivor’s guilt, Paige, and you have gotten yourself to a place where you feel like you can breathe.”

I sniffle and wipe my tears and admit, “I am ashamed, though, and he makes me want to be better.” I look back out the window, “When I skated before he kept showing up, I’d end up falling apart, I’d break down, the memories too much, but when he’s there, I feel like I can breathe. I begin to break, and he’s there, calming me…”

I look back at her, “What if I tell him everything and he runs?”

Ellen smiles gently at me and replies, “Then you chase after him, Paige. You’re not some meek girl, you never have been, and I can tell you now, the woman that is sitting before me is completely different from the girl struggling to want to live. You have fire in your eyes now, Paige, fire that you never had before so use that fire and don’t let your happiness, happiness that you do deserve to fall through your fingers,” Ellen sits forward, “You do deserve to live, you do deserve to fall in love and have children, you do deserve to be happy.”

My tears fall, and I nod because, for the first time in fifteen years, I think I believe her.

I just hope my past doesn’t tear me apart.

I sigh as I climb the last stair to my apartment while my phone burns in my pocket.

Dante has called several times since I made the excuse that I had to work. I left his apartment after our shower and camped outside the therapist's office and I can guarantee he went to the diner and most likely caught me in the lie and for the past hour since leaving Ellen’s office, I’ve been hiding out.

I should be tracking down Andrew and hitting him over the head with a baseball bat for what he tried, but instead, I’m hiding out from my, huh, can I call him a boyfriend, or should I stick with frenemies with benefits?

Things are going too quickly, I know this. A month ago, we were at each other’s throats even though we didn’t know anything about each other. All he knew about me was whatever Uncle Rocco told his brother, who then, in turn, told him. Now, I feel like I can’t breathe without him which is just insane.

Shaking my head at my stupid thoughts, I open my bag and grab my keys before looking at my door when I feel eyes on me, and my mouth parts.

Damn, I should have realized he’d be here waiting on me.

Standing in front of my door Dante raises a brow at me before looking round the hallway with anger and disgust as he states, “I thought Roman said you cashed the check?!”

I sigh despite the flutter in my stomach at the emotions he’s showing with me still living here and shuffle my feet towards him, causing him to lock eyes with me. When close, I go on my tiptoes and kiss the corner of his mouth, then move around him but put my hand on his arm and pull him so he knows I want him to come inside, though if Tanner has people over, I may regret my decision.

I unlock the door, and instantly moaning echoes making me wince, and I feel Dante tense, but I ignore his reaction and shut the door behind him, locking it again, and then I drag him to my room. I unlock my door and pull him inside before closingit behind us and locking it again. Then, I push him towards my bed, and he looks around my bare space before sitting.

Most of my memorabilia, including the box in which I put the first check Roman gave me, is at Uncle Rocco's.

I won’t keep anything valuable here, and I won’t accept Uncle Rocco’s help. I made my bed, and now I have to lie in it.

I quickly remove my jacket and shoes, throw my keys on my mini fridge then turn back to Dante, and wring my fingers together, seeing his eyes on me and assessing me. I watch him for a second and chew my bottom lip before I take a deep breath and move over to him. I climb on top of him and straddle his legs causing him to gently rub his hands along my hips. I gently cup his cheeks, and we lock eyes, and instead of thinking things through, I open up with him and put faith that he’ll hold me tight and prove to me what I’m feeling is mutual.

“I survived the crash,” I start, and he nods, furrowing his brows. “My parents died,” my eyes race between his and I take a deep breath trying to control the tears that have begun to fill and admit, “and-and my four-month-old baby brother died.”

Dante’s eyes widen in shock, and I twist my left arm, showing him my tattoo that I have seen him scowl at a lot in the past twenty-four hours, and explain, “Royal was this happy, sweet, chubby little baby with the cutest smile. He used to look at me like I was his whole world, and I remember thinking, ‘God, I hope he always looks at me this way…,” My eyes tear up, “And then the banging started.”

“Little fairy,” Dante rasps as he cups my cheek, wiping away the tears that have fallen but I don’t stop knowing if I do, I’ll back out of telling him everything so I continue, “I remember laughing, I remember Royal gripping my finger, trying to suck it, I remember Daddy joking about Uncle Rocco not being allowed to watch me anymore because I was obsessed with spaghetti and that he’d give it me for breakfast, a food I can no longer standand I remember Momma shouting at the phone,” I go off into the memory and explain, “I can’t remember what was being said but I was screaming and Royal was crying, our car was swerving and I can remember thinking, I need to protect Royal so I-I covered him with my body and started singing twinkle little star but then we were suddenly flying and Momma was trying to get to us,” I squeeze my eyes tight, “She hit the roof so hard and Daddy screamed for her and I remember Daddy and I locking eyes. He was so scared and Royal, God, I tried to cover him with my body Dante, I tried so hard but I ended up banging my head against the window and everything went black until I woke up in the hospital and finding out my whole world had tilted.”

I sob, and Dante places his forehead against mine, his hand cupping my cheek squeezing harder, his other gripping my waist.

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