Page 130 of Sawyer

“What new version would that be?” I’m smiling like an idiot, but I don’t care.

“The one that takes his time. That enjoys a ride, instead of just enduring it.”

“Well, in that case, I like this new version of me too.”

“You should ‘dance’ more.” Sally uses air quotes. “I can tell you from experience that everyone’s happier when you’re dancing.”

“How many times do we have to tell you and Wyatt to get a room already?” I reply with a laugh.

“Just imparting some hard-won wisdom. Good luck, Sawyer.”

Ella and I trot in contented silence for a few minutes. Like her, I don’t mind the cold. We’ve had a wet winter, so the herd doesn’t kick up much dust at all.

I clear my throat, going over the thousand different ways I could approach this conversation. Kept me up late, thinking about what I should say. How I should say it. I don’t want to overwhelm Ella by sharing too many details, but I also don’t want her to walk away confused.

As much as I’ve longed for this moment to arrive, I feel really fucking unprepared. How do you tell the person you love most in the world that things are about to change? In a good way, obviously. But still. I already feel so much guilt about what Ella’s been through. Her mom isn’t around. I do my best, but I worry all the time about making sure she has stability and consistency in her life.

Introducing a new person—two new people—is a big,bigchange for us. Even if it’s a positive change, it’s still rocking our little boat in a way I never would have allowed before meeting Ava.

No one else seemed worth the risk.

“So, Ella, I have something I want to talk to you about,” I say.

“Okay.”

“You know Miss Ava.” I clear my throat. “Of course you know her. And you like her, right?”

Ella nods. “I like Miss Ava.”

“Well, Miss Ava is my new girlfriend.”

“What’s a girlfriend?”

“Um. It’s someone who is very special to me. I like Ava a lot, too, Ella, and I’m hoping to become very, very good friends with her. She’s going to be around a lot more—she’ll be with us for dinner sometimes, and sometimes for breakfast or lunch. Other times, she’ll just be hanging out with us.”

“Oh. Okay. Are you going to marry Miss Ava?”

I wait for the disappointment to hit. And it does, in the form of a small but persistent tug in my center.

I think I’ll always want to get married. That desire’s not going to go away after a single moment, conversation, realization, whatever. But I recognize that beneath the desire for a ring—inside it—is the desire for safety.

The desire to be known by someone, witnessed at my best and at my worst, and still be loved.

My family loves me that way. So does Ava.

I’m not going to let the fact that she doesn’t want us to be legally bound stop me from loving her. Because being with Ava has made my life fuller and richer andhappierthan I think a stop at the altar ever could.

“We’re not going to get married, no. But you and Junie will be seeing a lot more of each other.”

“I love that.”

“I thought you might.”

“Does my mom know?”

Junie doesn’t talk about Lizzie much. It’s sad, but it’s also what’s best for everyone at this point. Maybe that will change. Maybe it won’t.

Either way, I’ve decided that honesty is the best policy when it comes to our family.

---