Page 45 of Sawyer

Speaking of bedtime: Ella’s recent bout of separation anxiety has been keeping me up way past mine. She does not want to be put to bed, and she definitely doesn’t want to sleep in her room alone. She’s been visiting me more often than not in my bed at all hours of the night.

Apparently it’s very common, but I can’t help but feel responsible. Guilty, even, because I’m raising her in a broken home. A nontraditional one, at least. Lizzie and I have a decent enough relationship as co-parents—as the lead singer of a country band, she’s been on the road pretty much nonstop since Ella was born—but ultimately, we’re not together.

Ella’s never lived in a home with a dadanda mom, and I hate that. My parents weren’t perfect. They did, however, have an incredibly strong bond until the day they died. My childhood was magical, and I worry all the time I’m not giving my daughter the life she deserves.

“How about this, Ella?” Ava drops into a crouch, resting her elbows on her knees. “Since you like cake, and June likes cake, maybe we can all get cake together?”

“Yes!” June teeters on her tiptoes. “But not the chicken, Mommy, okay? Just the cake.”

I cross my arms. “You’re missing out. That chicken isgood.”

“No chicken,” Ella says softly.

Ava purses her lips, like she’s giving the proposal serious thought. Since when is she so fucking adorable?

Looking up, I see one of the Wallaces’ ranch hands checking her out. I give him a death stare, mentally hurling knives at him until he takes the hint and gets back to work.

“Okay, fine,” Ava says. “No chicken.”

“Yay!” Junie shouts, making me chuckle.

I can already tell this kid’s got a lot of personality.

I smooth Ella’s hair out of her face. By now I’ve become a pro at ponytails. But like me, she’s got so much hair that it ends up all over the place. Maybe braids might be better? I need to work on my braiding skills.

I wonder if Ava would teach me.

“You hear that?” I ask. “Miss Ava says you don’t need to eat chicken first. Would you like to go and get cake, then?”

Ella nods. “Yes, please.”

“Listen to those manners!” Ava pops up to standing, her eyes catching on mine. “Good job, Dad.”

I blink away the slight but sudden pressure behind my eyes. It’s a simple compliment. A small one. But when you’re a parent, people always seem willing to point out what you’re doing wrong. The compliments are few and far between. I appreciate Ava noticing this tiny but significant thing, my daughter being polite.

I appreciate being noticed, period. A counselor once told me that I was very much a typical middle child—I didn’t want to draw attention, but at the same time I always wondered why nobody paid more attention to me.

Here’s Ava, paying attention. Because I wasn’t obsessed enough with her already.

That’s another thing that keeps me up at night—memories from Austin. Our chemistry was pure fucking fire.

Still is, if my body’s reaction right now is any indication.

I keep waiting for that fire to go out. I haven’t had a ton of one-night stands, so my experience is limited. But none of them have stayed with me the way my encounter with Ava has. I’ll regularly sweat through my sheets thinking about the thoughtful, intentional way she put her hands on me.

The way she made me feel like I was a whole man. Not a dad. Not a chef, or a chauffeur, or a middle-of-the-night nurse. Just a man, free to do what he wants.Bewho he wants.

God, I miss that.

Wonder if she misses it too.

I also wonder what her story is. Where’s Junie’s daddy? Was he ever in the picture, or are he and Ava divorced? Separated? Doesn’t sound like he moved to Hartsville with them. I feel like Sally would’ve mentioned him, as she’s mentioned little June in passing.

Or—dear God—are they still married? Ava isn’t wearing a ring, just like she didn’t in Austin. But that doesn’t mean she’s not married.

Have a hard time believing she’d cheat, though. She was soherselfwhen we were together. So uninhibited. Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like she really fucking enjoyed not having to hide anything.

I enjoyed it too. A lot.

---