Page 48 of Sawyer

I had the thought back in Austin: that freedom, that spark, was what I’d been missing in my search for a significant other. After Lizzie and I had decided we’d be better off as friends, I tried dating some. Nothing had ever panned out, though.

Now I’m realizing that maybe I was looking for the lightning I felt with Ava. The chemistry. The immediate, intense connection.

I made the mistake of thinking I could create chemistry with Lizzie, but I was sorely mistaken. Connecting with someone—the ability to just beyourselfwith a person—is rare. Even rarer when you live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere.

Without that sense of connection, there’s no way I could fall in love. And that’s ultimately what I’m after—falling so hard, so completely, that I have no choice but to make that person mine forever.

Needless to say, trying to play it cool with Ava is fucking killing me.

“What about you, Elly Belly Boo?” I hold out my hand. “Can I have this dance?”

She leaps into my arms, giving me a big old bear hug. “Yes, Daddy. Can you carry me though?”

“Yes, baby, I’ll carry you.” My hammer claps me again as I stand up with an exaggerated groan. “Dang, Ella, did you grow even more overnight?”

Wrinkling her nose, she holds her fingertips over her mouth and giggles. “I think I did. I’m a big girl now.”

“Big girls use the potty every time, remember?”

Ava lifts Junie onto her hip. “Are y’all struggling with potty training too? It’s been slow going for us.”

“I’d rather get thrown by a horse than go through this again.”

“So much poopy underwear.” Ava shakes her head.

I shake mine too. “So much.”

“I didn’t poop,” Junie replies.

Ava smiles. “That’s good news. All right, you wanna show Mr. Sawyer how you can dance?”

“Okay.” Junie nods solemnly. “I’m very good at it, Mr. Sawyer.”

“I’m a good dancer too,” Ella says. “My uncle Wy says so.”

Junie reaches for Ella’s hand. “I love dancing.”

“I love it too!” My daughter giggles, letting Junie have her little hand.

I laugh too, heart twisting. I love seeing Ella open up like this. She has a few friends at school, but overall, she’s a quiet kid.

I love seeing her laugh.

Now that our girls are holding hands, Ava and I areclose. Close enough that our arms brush as we head for the grassy clearing in front of the band.

Some older couples are already there dancing cheek to cheek, the Wallaces among them. My heart twists again. Can’t help but think of my own parents, how they’d definitely be out here crushing the two-step together.

This July marks what would’ve been their thirty-fifth wedding anniversary. By the time Dad was my age, he had been married for five years and already had a kid with another on the way. Hurts thinking about all the stuff he’s missed out on.

EverythingI’vemissed out on. I wanna be married too. I wanna raise a bunch of kids too. I know I’m still young and have time to do all that, but I always imagined I’d have that shit figured out by now.

Instead, I feel lonely and more than a little lost.

But that’s some depressing shit, and I don’t have time to be depressed today. I might not have my dream life, but I do have my baby girl. So I take my daughter’s hand and begin to sway to the music, feeling a twinge in my lower back as I hold her on my hip.

Worth it, though. Ella giggles, glancing over her shoulder at the old man playing the steel guitar up on stage. He winks at her, and she buries her head in my chest.

“It’s okay, Ella!” Junie shouts over the music. “He’s just saying hi.”

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